i got sick of all these websites online that wanted women to comment about their hair or about celebrities like steven spielberg's wife or tom hank's wife. i pushed my computer away and thought to myself how i felt my most comfortable when i was around other people, listening to them talk, but doing stuff on my own. i always tensed up around people, needed to perform, asked myself why i didn't do things like them, even though when i got away from them was glad. my french class continued to irk me. the girl that flirted with the french teacher was still at it every day, with her heavy boobs on her thick accent and her straight hair. and saying things like, "her back is really gonna hurt someday if she doesn't wear a bra" didn't help. i'd try and look out the window but i secretly wanted to flirt with the french teacher too, just to see if he'd be into me.
feeling withdrawn lately was something that i was up to. it worked for me at the dinner table because speaking up while my dad was talking wasn't on his appreciation list. at night i was hungry anyway, thinking all day, taking long walks, thinking about my assignments more than getting to them head on. like math. during the day i'd go to sheedy's brother’s friend's house, ray, and he would teach me basic chords on his guitar while he fixed leaky faucets around his house or while he installed drain gutters at the corner of a neighbor's house. i'd sit outside with him, on the carpet, wherever, following him around saying "is this right? what about this? do you hear anything good when play these three chords?" sometimes i'd play just to come up with a sound, like how steven did with the flaming lips. the one that sounded like that dinosaur jr. song. i just wanted one dark riff that would stay with me that i had made up.
we went to a pool party, sheedy and i, in our bathing suits well sort of . i wouldn't take off my top and so i headed into the water with my shirt rolled up above my waist and in my underwear that turned purple under water. but my shirt bubbled up as soon as i swam to the deep end and i got so many goose bumps that i decided just to get out and sit on the lawn. the boys were eating potato chips on a towel, still not buzzed yet, batting flies away from the grill and also smoke. i put my sunglasses on and tried to warm up, listened through all the talk to the older couple that lived next door, through the fence talk about where our parents were and about how much racket we were all making. it was sunday afternoon. everyone had picnics, barbeques. we watched donald duck later on tv because everyone was stoned and so was i, still in my bathing suit outfit on the beach furniture, the cushions of the wicker sofa. ray was half asleep so i stole the remote from him but then turned back to donald duck again after they talked about war on the tv. but then i switched to mtv and watched mark summers from double dare do the top 50 music countdown.
the next day i was walking to school with sheedy with my sunglasses on in 3/4 length black shirt and sheedy told me she thought she might be pregnant. from that older guy, who was married. she also said that she felt confident that he might leave her, his wife. and i thought this possibility was in the cards there somehow too. but i didn't say so. i just told her she should get it checked out, just to be sure. she should go to a doctor somehow. but that's the thing she didn't have one or didn't know how to. so i decided to go with her after school to get a pregnancy test at the royal farms.
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