Guys slay me. I mean really just send me reeling sometimes. For one day. Just one, single, 24 hour period, I want to live in a man's body and world. I want to wake up thinking I am the greatest thing going. I want to be loud and inconsiderate of the sleeping household. I want to talk to my dog like it is a human being, grab my sleeping wife's ass and give it a big ol' squeeze and then act offended when she doesn't pop awake and lay a big wet kiss on me for that awesome wake up.
I want to run the shower WHILE I shave. Run the blow dryer AND the fan while I dress. I want to sing and carry on...even though it is ONLY 5:30A.M.!!!!!!!
I want to rustle sleepy eyed daughters and scramble their hair as a show of affection as I head off to work. Only to leave them grumpy and sassy for their bleary eyed mother.
I want to spend my day leading with my dick and not even for one second consider that there may be a better idea IF it comes from a vagina wielding human.
When my loving wife rings me up to chat about dinner, let's say, for example.....I will scoff at the inane nature of this phone call since I am running a business here....
But when I call home to tell about my workout, lunch, random sighting on the freeway...my wife better be all ears and full of ooo's and ahhh's. Just as an example.
At every meal, I want to eat joyfully. Never even having a miniscule consideration about calories or fat or any damn thing because "I look amazing"...dressed or undressed. Ask around, I look great. Not "for my age"...just plain GREAT.
When my wife casually mentions anything about her own body, I will unemotionally mention that if I didn't have to work and just had SIX hours a day with NOTHING to do; I would be at the gym and fit as hell!!!!! Not that my wife needs to do anything because I adore her and she is perfect in my eyes.... (Cue the giant sarcastic eye roll)
But she already knows this so I am not going to tell her all the time...it kills her motivation...or something like that...
After my day is done, I want to lie on the couch, my hand in my pants...just to make sure that my most prized possession is still there (??), and watch sportscenter. I deserve it. I know my wife and daughters are in a different room watching some bullshit "reality" show like, "so you want to know how to dance"...and I could be having quality family time but, hell no...I am a guy and guys like sports and tough shit. I am going to fall asleep in about 10 minutes anyhow so what difference does it make? Umm...don't try to use logic...that shit don't play here. I am the king of my castle.
When the love of my life comes to bed, I will acknowledge her arrival by grabbing her boob and saying, "how come we never have sex"? Or better, remind her of how hot it used to be between us....
Unbelievably this line of chit chat is NOT a turn on. It's the damndest thing. You women are so confusing. Luckily I am a man and I have a dick and so there.
I have no idea what I am talking about. I cannot read minds. I have been married for 20 years. My vast experience with men is 21 years old and older. I could be totally wrong. Or 100% correct. Hard to say really.
My husband is practically perfect. But so am I...so there's that. Our children are flawless, our home is a showplace, our bank account flush, and we have nary a worry in the world.
This is just an exercise in "if only". It's a blast to play really. If only it sounded less familiar....
Ahh well...next time maybe. There will always be a next time.
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