Whether in Paris, or on a plane, or a bus or at home cleaning the toilet while listening to "Baby Got Back", one thing doesn’t change. I am a woman in her 30's and the only thing I want is love.
I want a family and not necessarily the traditional spouse and kids type family. I’m talking about a big, loud, dancing, singing, beautiful, real family; whether adopted, birthed, or dropped off on the doorstep.
I used to isolate myself because I didn’t feel worthy of that kind of love. Being a single woman most my life and spending countless hours watching "Sex and the City", the kind of love I knew was the warmth of a man's embrace for a night or a few nights or on and off for a few years. I thank God that even in my darkest hours, He was there...is there.
Matt 6:33 in the Bible says that if we search out the Kingdom of God, all we need will be given to us. I’m still seeking and still waiting on some of my heart's desires. Others that have been fulfilled are truly so amazing, they were almost beyond belief.
At some point it finally occurred to me that I was made to live life Big. Not Yolo kind of Big, but Forever kind of Big. When you live life Big, you live just a little outside the realm of humanity. You are not always popular or accepted because your drive is not power, success, or fitting in. Its Love!
Even when you give love, and it is rejected, its so Big that in some form or fashion it sweeps over you like a tidal wave once again. Love is sacrificial and it may not reciprocate in the way you want it. That’s okay, because to live life Big is to love Big and loving Big rejects no one. However, it is also the highest form of maturity, therefore, it must respect boundaries.
Some days I want to take the secure route that everyone around me has chosen would be for my best. I have wonderful friends that want to marry me off to their pastor, friends who want to help me get any kind of job just to be closer to where my heart is, and those that think I would be great as a community advocate. I love them for their heart, but I love my God even more and I know He has final say in what I do, where I go and who I get involved. I have no other choice than to trust Him, because at the end of the day, Im not so sure how much I trust myself.
I ask myself frequently, “What does a perfect day look like?”
To me, it doesn’t really matter where I am, but the people that are with me; the ones I enjoy spending my time and most of them not being blood-related, but family none-the-less.
For me to live a Big and happy life goes hand in hand with living righteously. I would not call myself a righteous person by any means, however my heart desire is to try to do right by everybody even if it is not reciprocated. I know God pays back good for good and evil for evil. Therefore I don’t worry about what mere humans can do to me.
Maya Angelou once wrote about a black woman in the early 1900’s. Her name was Annie. Her husband left her with two babies to raise. She didn’t want to go to work and leave her children with another care giver so she took some stones, a little bit of food and she decided to make hot meals for the factory workers to purchase on their lunch break. Holding on to her faith, some hope and a whole lot of work, she paved her own way to happiness.
I think to myself, this woman had love taken from her and she gained it back and more by giving of herself. Everyday, I learn a little more about love and how it can change everything. I have experienced much loss, much hate and through it all, God loved me enough to never let love leave me. The greatest achievement of man is to serve one another. The greatest outcome of that achievement is love.
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