A Little Piece of Me Dies Every Time I Get a Voicemail

3 years ago

A lot of my friends give me a hard time because I don’t check my voicemail regularly ever.


 

Credit Image: FaceMePLS on Flickr

 

Here’s how I feel about it: I saw that you called. I’ll call you back ... or I won’t. Whether you left a message doesn’t weigh in—At.All.

Let me tell you WHY I don’t check my voicemail. Maybe one time out of 700, it’s something I actually need to hear. The other 699 messages are a waste of my time. So, yes—I’m willing to miss one good message every once in a while to avoid having to power through the rest of them.

Last time I cleaned out my voicemail once it filled up, here’s what I heard:

  1. “Trace?? It’s Mom. I have a message for you, so call me back. So I can give you the message, okay? Love you.”
  2. “This is a courtesy call from CVS Pharmacy. The prescription you have requested for auto refill is now ready for pick up.”
  3. “Hey, it’s me— call me.”
  4. “Hey, it’s me—call me.” (A different "me")
  5. “This is AT&T U-verse- You recently called us regarding an issue with your service. We are following up to- blah blah blah- “
  6. " ... So then I said ... HAHAHA!” (Sound of a dish clanking) “Right??” (Inaudible noises) ... ”Get out, he didn’t!!” (A classic butt dial)
  7. “Hey, it’s me! Call me!!”
  8. “This is CVS Pharmacy. We still have your prescription. Come pick it up, yo.”
  9. “Dude ... call me. I’ll be in the car for the next hour or so ... ”
  10. “Tracy, it’s Mom. I have another message for you. Give me a call. Oh—the phone is beeping, I think that maybe is you calling back. Well if it isn’t you, then call me. Bye!! How do you use this darn call-waiting, Jerry? Do you know if they changed the button I need to push on the call waiting??” Click.
  11. “Hi Tracy, this is your dentist calling—just a reminder you have an appointment on Wednesday! No need to call us back, we’ll see you then!”
  12. “This is CVS Pharmacy. If you don’t pick up your mother -#@%$@^%$%$#@% birth control, we’re going to switch it out with a placebo so you get knocked up. Seriously come get this, we aren’t a storage unit.”
  13. “Hey!!! It’s me!! Call me!!”
  14. “Hi Tracy, this is your dentist's office reminding you that you have an appointment tomorrow. We’ve already texted you, sent you a post card, and spoken to you six other times about your appointment, but we figured we’d check in one more time— see you tomorrow!”
  15. “Hi Tracy, it’s your dentist again. We’ll see you at lunchtime today!”
  16. “This is CVS Pharmacy. We just sold your drugs on the streets of Tijuana. Find a new pharmacy, bitch.”
  17. “Hey, it’s me! Call me!”
  18. “Trace?? It’s Mom. Do you remember when you were home at Christmas? Do you remember seeing my good craft scissors? I’m going to do a craft and ... I know you don’t really do crafts, but did you see my scissors? Or take them with you? All my good scissors seem to disappear around here … well. Call me if you know anything about the scissors. Bye!”
  19. “Hey! It’s me! You finally cleaned out your voicemail so I can leave you a message! That’s great—call me!”
  20. “Tracy, this is your boss. The meeting we were scheduled to have has been moved. Last time we moved a meeting, you missed it. What’s up? Did you not get my voicemail?”

SEE!!!!! I TOLD YOU!!!!! Only one of them is ever worth listening to!!!! Point proven!!!! TAKE THAT!

Umm … right … so now that I did all that point-proving ... is anyone hiring?

 

Thanks so much for reading!

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