Less Tense

6 years ago

Relieved, that's how I'm feeling this evening. I don't remember if there ever was a time in my adult life when I could just sit down in front of the computer without guilt before tonight. It has occurred to me just how badly I've been punishing myself every night for all the stuff I didn't manage to do that day. Rationally of course I know that one can only do so much, but it's a vicious circle. Looking back there has been a little time every day to get some things done. But because I never had the mental surplus, I never did make use of that time, hence the guilt. The guilt, in return, made sure I wouldn't have the surplus to do anything the next day either. Like a neglected child screaming for attention, I took my time doing nothing, but because it wasn't "deserved", it didn't give me the breaks that I needed.

I've noticed how the tension in my shoulders is slowly letting go. I breath deeper, and I've had more stuff done today than has been normal in the recent past. I want to attribute the change to two main things, 1) that I am relieved from the pressure of school. I've removed one constant source of "should have done", and 2) I've allowed myself to feel deeply again.

At my dad's funeral this Friday, my sister and I agree, the most amazing thing was that people allowed our feelings to come first. Neither my sister nor me have ever experienced this before, we are usually the last for others to be considerate of. They gave us compassion, and it became very easy to return this. It was a beautiful day.

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