Leave of Absence.

5 years ago

You guys. Sorry for my extended absence. Things have been rough.

I don't know how much I want to say here, but...I've been having a really rough go of it. I've always been prone to depression (God knows) since age 17, and I've experienced bouts with self-harm. Lately I had an...an incident. Which led me to be taken by ambulance to the ER. Which I felt was unnecessary, but my husband was apparently terrified, so I guess he had every right to call 911.

Once there, they treated me, and I was evaluated by a mental health professional who had the legal right to commit me involuntarily to a Psycho Ward if he saw fit, but luckily my charms impressed him and he let me go.

Long story short: My psychiatrist has been saying for months that I need to enter a day program, an outpatient hospitalization program. I've been resistant, because first of all, the logistics. Having to arrange childcare; having to, I don't know, get up before the crack of 10 am, having to do some major hard work and introspection. Having to sit there and sob my eyes out for 8 hours a day. But also because I didn't even want to make that first phone call. I have severe phone-phobia.

This was my thought process: "I have to do it. I have to get better. I have to do it. I need help. I have to go into treatment..........I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T. I CAN'T DO IT.

And the "I can't do it" part always won out. Part of it is that I know I'm a stubborn fuck. I'm a strong fuck, I'm a headstrong fuck. When I put my mind to something, I'll do it. When I want to resist something, God knows I'll resist it. I won't let people tell me what to do.

Finally, after my temporary hospitalization after, what I am ashamed to admit, was a suicide attempt, and then one more meeting with Dr. P, I decided I'd do it. Outpatient therapy is what I need. So I made the phone call. Because I promised him I would, and I keep my word.

I talked to a lady named Julia for like 45 minutes, sobbed the whole time, struggled to tell her my story, and decided to enter therapy. I start tomorrow. At the crack of 8:30 am OMG WHAT WILL I DO WHO WAKES UP AT 7 AM.

This will be a 5-10 -day program, possibly more. Intensive 8:30 am until 3:30 pm, all day every day. Individual counselling sessions, group talks, all kinds of therapy. I am positively dreading the group therapy. How do I tell strangers that I cut myself, that I never leave the house, that I am afraid of everything?

I don't even know where to begin. I don't know whether to talk about my dad abandoning me when I was just two years old, or my boyfriend sexually forcing himself on me when I was 19, or the most devastating breakup of my life, or people who have mentally and emotionally abused me. I don't know where to start. I don't know what to expect and it terrifies me.

But I did it, I made me first move, I honored my word to Dr. P. and I made the appointment.

I will try to keep you updated.

Just know that things are worse than they've ever been and I don't see a way out. Please God let this therapy help me.

I know this blog is full of funny and makes light of OCD and anxiety. But the truth is, I am scared to death.

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