My family doctor is an awesome man. He is, without a doubt, looking out for my best interests. He's frank and tells me like it is. So do I listen? Not always. I eventually listen.
He told me 5 years ago, to give up heavy duty housework. No raking, vacuuming, moping floors, moving furniture, you know just about everything. (woot woot no more floor scrubbing because of the knees, now no more vacuming) And then I broke my back. I don't know how I did that, maybe when I flipped the golf cart 2 years ago? I was in rough shape at this time last year. I gasped and yelped in pain during waking and sleeping hours. I think I was driving my hubby crazy but then again, probably not. He's such a good man, gosh he's carried me through so many major life altering health issues.
First was the knees, both are replaced and don't bother me at all anymore. Well, in between the knee replacements I got breast cancer and I remember being so upset because I was scheduled for surgery in October 2007 and I was diagnosed with BC in August 2007 forcing me to cancel the second knee. I wanted to get the knee done first, then attack the cancer, but the doctors wouldn't let me. In retrospect, I'm glad. Once I got the diagnosis, I wanted it o.u.t. out. In March 2007 I had the second knee replaced, about a month after radiation ended when I thought I was strong enough. I should have given myself more time to recuperate from chemo and rads.
So anyway, now I am cured of breast cancer, I have 2 titanium knees, and a successful spinal fusion. Can I go back to normal activities? Nope. When doc? Never. He told me last week that my gardening days are over. Oh, it's okay for me to deadhead and plant little things, but no digging, no heavy duty gardening. Not now, not ever. Insert big frowny face here. Weeding was therapy. Will I listen? I did this year. The entire year, my garden grew on auto pilot. Hubby had someone come and clean it out this past weekend. I would have loved to go out and rip things out of the ground! I really missed gardening this year, and my photography from this summer suffered. There aren't many photos because I wasn't out there daily seeing buds and blooms from all different angles and seeing art in nature.
I put gardening on hold, to make sure I gave my back a good chance to heal correctly because if that pain I had last year ever comes back I'm going to do a lot of crying. So I was a good patient. The first time I went out this year to do a little weeding, I squatted down because that is how I am supposed to get down instead of bending over, well anyway, I got into a squat and fell over. What the heck?
So yeah, here I am, inching up on double nickels, physically limited but emotionally unlimited. I've always thought I could do anything I put my mind to. Now I have to learn to put my mind to things that don't involve physical strength. How do I do that?
I can't reconcile it in my brain. I can't ever drag a sofa across the room again. How do I accept that I am fragile?
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