This Kid Will Drive Me To Drink

6 years ago

Always end the name of your child with a vowel so that when you yell, the name will carry.
                                                                                                          -Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby.  Father. Comedian. Truth speaker.  

 Out of my children, the only child whose name ends with a vowel, is the child whose name I scream the most.  Because I don't believe in coincidence, it is my assumption that this is an act of God.  God. Is. Hilarious.  

  Thing 2 has expanded his imaginative boundaries, one of his scenarios included playing "pirates" in the toilet with his toy boat.  After urging him out of the bathroom with a growl, I then had to pull him out of the broom/AC closet. 

Now, imagine a sunny day spent lounging poolside and suddenly, like a scene from Jaws people are screaming and evacuating.  Okay, it wasn't that dramatic. Other than one woman, we were the only people swimming today, and Thing 2 wasn't trying to munch on anyone's backside.  Though his timing of a bowel movement could have been a little better. So, I spent a good amount of time hand washing his swimming trunks while trying not to add the contents of my stomach to his soiled shorts.  

 Fast forward a couple of hours.  After a failed nap attempt, I put a movie on for Thing 1 and Thing 2 in my bedroom so that I could feed Number 3.  I heard the bathroom door open and close, and I figured that Thing 1 had to use the restroom and then returned to the bedroom.  I finished feeding the baby and immediately heard Thing 1 shouting that he "was done".  So, upon depositing the baby into his crib and wiping #1, I realized the eerie silence that I had not taken note of earlier.  

 Seeing that #1 couldn't rat him out (as Thing 1 is most definitely the Hall Monitor) Thing 2 took the opportunity to apply half of a container of Vaseline to his blonde locks and all over half of his face.  Vaseline Head

Three shampoo applications later, I realized that the scrubbing was yielding no result.

So I consulted the internet and found that the best way to remove the petroleum jelly is to use cornstarch.  As I was en route to the kitchen to find some cornstarch, I paused in the hallway because I heard a dripping sound in the vicinity of the broom/AC closet.  Apparently, Thing 2's brief jaunt in the closet allowed him to detach a pipe that was connected to the AC.  Water now covered the floor of the Broom/AC closet. 

I mopped up the H2O and continued my search for cornstarch.  You know when get to the supermarket only to realize that you've forgotten your grocery list and have to rely on memory and instinct instead? Yeah. 

I am out of cornstarch....patience....AND wine.

  By the way, in case you were wondering what the solution for Vaseline removal is, I have it here:

Blot as much Vaseline out of the hair as possible.  Do not rub because it will damage the hair.  When the cornstarch has covered the hair, then wash the out with warm water and a clarifying shampoo.  If the first shampoo doesn't work, then repeat the process over the next 12-24 hours.  Enjoy. 

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