It's the most wonderful time of the year

4 years ago
This article was written by a member of the SheKnows Community. It has not been edited, vetted or reviewed by our editorial staff, and any opinions expressed herein are the writer’s own.
The holidays have been different since my dad passed away 6 years ago. 
 
But this is the first season that I have felt the loss, his absence so keenly. It's like grieving all over again and I'm overwhelmed by how much I miss him.
The day I found out seems like a scene from a movie. I was at work, around 9:00 AM and I got a call - the call. I got up from my desk, rushed to an empty office, but before I made it inside, I heard it and yelped, No. Three of my colleagues, all women, were beside me, arms around me, crouched down in front of me, in an instant. I can't remember if I was crying.
 
One of them handed me a $20 to take a cab home. I went to my boyfriend's apartment, climbed in bed, and slept. What else could I do?
 
The memorial service was a blur. Still is a blur. I wouldn't remember who was there if not for the guest book. The weeks and months after that, I cried a little, but not a lot. I had nightmares, but during the day, I was a shell of myself, going through the motions.
 
And I realize that I have been pretty numb all these years. I've missed him every day since he died, but I have been avoiding how much it really hurts. How scary it is to say, he's not here and never will be again. How hard it is to admit that I used to pray, plead, bargain so that he would live long enough to see grandchildren. How shocked and stupid I felt that I took for granted he would live long enough to walk me down the aisle. Why didn't I pray for that instead?
My dad's name is Sam and his birthday is on December 13. My husband and I are putting together a little gift for him, for me, to celebrate. I'll share it with you on Friday.
 
If you're missing a loved one this Christmas, bless you - it aches, I know. Let's remember them together.

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