When you live in New York City, you know not to expect to enjoy the bliss that is quiet very often. In fact, silence is almost a rarity, whether it is at 3 in the afternoon or 3 a.m. In my New York City building, there are a mix of families along with groups of partying college kids that live here. And in the very early morning hours of the weekend, while the families are nestled all snug in their beds, the college kids are just arriving home from the bars at 3 a.m. So, every Saturday and Sunday in the early morning hours I am awaken from my slumber by a slew of drunkards, which is no fun when you are middle aged, stone cold sober and have not been partying yourself.
That said, the conversations that I hear outside of my window at 3 a.m. usually involve one of three groups of college kids:
1) The happy crowd
2) The pissed and annoyed party poopers
3) The criers and blubberers
Now, you may wonder which of these three groups is the most likely to make me want to stab myself in the eye with a sharp object on any given Saturday or Sunday at 3 a.m? Well, let me tell you, each category and grouping of drunken fool that I listed above has its own pros and cons. So, grab your popcorn and join me for an intriguing analysis of the habits of my young drunken neighbors.
First off, let’s discuss “the happy crowd.” This group arrives at my building laughing, singing and yelling about what a unbelievably “fan-fucking-tastic” evening that they had. This usually involves a crowd of shitfaced college kids who are coming home from the bars arm in arm, while laughing and yelling over one another in eardrum bursting decibels. They are usually screaming about such important topics as: who got the most numbers, who is the most fucked up, and who made the biggest jackass of themselves at the bar.
Now, at some point, one of the group members almost always breaks into song. Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” or Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” seem to be particularly popular with this crowd, but whatever the song, it is always extremely high pitched and with half of the verses being jumbled and nonsensical. Cue in different songs and even more off key singing, which is only to be interrupted by a few loud burps, and more laughing. This group usually convenes right outside of my building because, before they can enter, one or more of them has to puke, piss, or catcall some of the girls they see walking across the street who are also coming home from the bars.
If I must listen to drunken people at 3 a.m., I highly prefer this group because of their entertainment value. After all, at least their shouting is happy and their drunken ramblings are rather hilarious and jovial. The biggest con regarding this group, however, is that their off key singing usually sounds worse than the tormented primal screeches of an animal in heat. And, even though I give them points for puking and pissing outdoors, instead of inside the building in the stairwell, listening to them blow chunks right outside of my window is a rather annoying and disgusting sound to endure in the wee hours of the early morning.
The second group of the 3 a.m. party crowd is one that I dub “the pissed and annoyed group.” This usually occurs in a group of three people, probably because someone in the group became resentful that they felt like a third wheel all evening. This group can involve an arguing couple and the unfortunate friend who tagged along with them. Or it can involve groups of three girls bitching at each other over hurt feelings or a group of three guys in a dispute over who is a bigger dick or who failed in their duties as a wingman. In this group, I typically hear a lot of friendship ending threats. There’s also a lot of f-bombs dropped along with other creative profanity laced insults usually calling the other person some derogatory and graphic term of the female or male genitalia. Without fail, this group always tends to stop to hash out their arguments, by yelling, cursing, bitching and airing out their grievances with each other right under my window. The pro of the “pissed and annoying” group of partiers is that during their nasty screaming fits you can get a pretty detailed recap, play by play, of exactly what went wrong during their night out at the bar. If you have no life like I do as a boring stay at home mom, then this can be rather riveting.
However, the con to this group is that they are so inebriated that the arguments just go in circles and drag on and on until I cannot take one more wretched minute of hearing one of them call their friend an f-ing, sorry ass, motherf-ing, douchebag. So, eventually, after a half an hour or so of these disputes getting louder and more profane I have to go through the effort of dialing building security, which takes an hour to drive up in their mini go carts and shoo them away. My other alternative for getting rid of them is to wake the hubs, who is always snoring through it all, and force him scream at them, in his most intense, ’don’t f with me voice’, through the open window, “to go inside and go to bed!” However, we always roll the dice in choosing to scream out the window at this group of miscreants because screaming at them to go to bed can lead to them stopping their own argument with each other in order to scream profanities at us. This, in turn, just leads to another call to security. So, it can get dicey, to say the least.
The third and final category of 3 a.m. bar hoppers involves a lot of tears. I dub this group “the criers and blubberers.” This is usually the most depressing of the aforementioned groups and it usually involves a girl who is by herself and who is crying on her cell phone to her mom or her BFF. She usually arrives home from the bars, sits outside on the steps near my window and cries it out for at least a solid hour while loudly recounting how horrible her evening was into her phone, in between horrible sobs. Almost always, she is crying about some jerk that broke her heart, or some jerk that she met tonight at the bar or because she is lonely due to the fact that New York City is filled with nothingbut jerks.The other scenario is that she crying because her girlfriends were miserable, mean bitches to her over the course of the evening out bar hopping.
Through the tears and sobs, this girl always swears to God and on numerous relative’s graves that she is “100% done” with the guy or girlfriend who offended her. The call then delves into all of the toxic people in her life who have wronged her and how she needs to turn her life around. Then she usually just goes back to sobbing again. There really are no pros to these conversations because it is simply just completely sad to listen to anyone cry and sob like that. The con is of course, is that not only do these conversations make me feel bad for this girl, but they also tend to drag on and on for over an hour without any meaningful resolution.
Now that you have the recap of my partying neighbors of the college aged persuasion, let’s face it…I am simply way too old for this shit. No matter whose drunken ass I hear outside of my window at 3 a.m., I still cannot believe that I am in my mid thirties and sharing the same dwelling as a bunch of partying college kids. It is like living in a college dormitory as an adult, which is just the height of annoying and really just all kinds of wrong. I am far, far too middle aged and cranky to put up with it and as my idol, Sweet Brown, would say, “ain’t nobody got time for that.”
Now, If I only I knew the apartment numbers of these fools I could seek sweet revenge and ring their intercom on repeat at 8 am when my kids wake me up. But, since I do not know where they live, to my disappointment, the glory of triumphant revenge will not be mine. In any event, as I type this out it is now 5am on Saturday morning in New York City. My drunken neighbors have all puked, pissed and stumbled their way inside to their apartments to pass out. Now, nobody is causing a scene right outside of my window. And since it is finally quiet, at least for New York City standards, I am off to bed. So, with only the faint yapping of a dog located somewhere outside to annoy me, I retreat to slumber wishing good tidings to all….and to all…a good night.
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