July 30th, 2010
My neighbors came back again with so many clothes for Isabella, and for Brandon.
Old Navy Jacket for Brandon, I mean I had only 2 shoes for Isabella.
Now I have tons. 2 amazing women.
More bad thoughts in my head today though.
I’m alone in this house and I can’t stop my brain from thinking about the past.
We’ve all had our problems.
And you know everyone that’s on my facebook RIGHT NOW has had one issue that I’ve heard about.
We all have them.
Just because mine is different than yours, it doesn’t mean that we are not alike in many ways.
I love my husband.
I love him because I can see the man that he can be at times.
But those moments seem so small sometimes.
His ego has a lot to do with it.
What do you do.
What do you do when your husband say’s:
“I’m not your nigger, and I’m not your slave…I don’t walk behind you”.
What do you do with that?
He’s just having a bad day?
An off day?
This was way before any of the issues that we had in Hawaii, this was for something so simple, that I cannot understand to this day why he say’s things like these.
I can have an attitude. I can move my head left and right.
But I will not curse at you, or say things that make no sense at all..
Not like this.
We had just backed out of the bank parking lot in Hawaii, and he asked me:
“Have you called to activate your check card”?
“Not yet but, I’ll call when we get home for sure”.
We were in the car driving home, the kids were making noise, and I’m one that HATES to talk on the cell phone while I’m driving, and I really dislike texting, and I wasn’t even driving that time, but I just don’t like to talk on the phone when the kids are around, especially when they are making noise. Either they are napping when I’m making Doctor appointments or I’ll entertain them with a snack and a quick 30 minutes cartoon, and then make my phone call.
“Josh, the kids are making noise, just let me get them home, I’ll entertain them and I’ll call once they are calm”
He didn’t say anything.
He decided then…not to go home. He drove straight to Walmart. We pulled in, and we parked. I could sense that it was coming, because I know him. He said something, and I ignored him to avoid the argument. I got out of the car, got a cart that was just a few feet away from me, and I started to get Lily out, he was getting Jazmine out on the other side, and all the while he was looking at me, with his look, the look that I know, that say’s:
“I’m pissed because you didn’t do what I told you to do”
I started walking and pushing Lily in the cart, and he started following me. He yelled, “STOP”, and I didn’t stop I just kept walking across the parking lot.
Now he yells:
“If you don’t stop I’m going to trow this fucking cell phone straight to your head”
I’m walking faster now because there is no one close that can hear this, but I’m getting closer to the entrance now, where I know that I’m…..sort of saved from any verbal interaction. But when we get to the door he yelled again…which surprised me.
“You fucking Bitch”
And I turned around and got close to him and whispered.
“Go ahead Josh, yell at me right in front of everyone why don’t you”?
He paused, bit his lip, and he realized were he was sort of….like if he had just woken up from a dream.
Then he walked way.
The ride home was the worst. That’s when he mumbled.
“I’m not your nigger and I’m not your slave, I don’t walk behind you”
He said that at a stop light, out of nowhere, because we weren’t even talking, and I looked at him, and I said:
“What are you talking about”?
I honestly though he was repeating something he once heard, maybe a movie line.
Then I realized that he was talking about the parking lot incident when I walked ahead, without waiting….or better yet, without stopping when he told me to stop.
After he said that, I didn’t understand anything. I just didn’t want to be near him. Every time he would say something like this, I knew it deep down in my gut that it was just WRONG. I knew that I never wanted to hear this again, and I knew that in the future…it was going to happen again. I just can’t stop it. What do I say, where do I go if what I say causes another problem? Nothing, nowhere.
I have nothing. Everything is his. I have no one here. Zero support.
He’s told me before.
“You are nothing without me”
“No one will ever believe you, I’m a cop”
“Let’s see if anyone will ever want you”
And the one he used a lot now is:
“If you call the cops I’m going to punch myself in the face so hard, and I’ll tell them YOU did it.
I’m not going to ask myself if this is wrong anymore.
Once we got through that red light.
He got so angry when I told him to stop talking to me, that he said fine,
“Get out of the car, go, go walk in the middle of the fucking highway, go kill yourself”
He pulled over and screamed,
The girls were in the back seat.
I look at him and I’m crying now screeching…
“ARE YOU CRAZY”?
“Drive me home NOW”
Again, this happens when I stand up to myself. When I say “No”.
This is the day that I called the MP’s the first time.
Before I met Josh I had never called the cops on anyone.
I had never in my entire life been in an abusive relationship, EVER.
I’ve never even been on a fight.
I’ve never hit anyone.
Not in high school.
Not in my parents house.
There was no cursing allowed in my parents house either.
Let me put it this way.
My father was an alcoholic and a chain smoker.
Yet I never saw him with a cigarette nor with a beer in his hands.
He kept it all outside of the home, so it never really affected us.
Today was hard.
Brandon cried every hour it seemed. He didn’t sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time. Everything that I started to clean had to be left unfinished, because he was just non stop crying.
I finally took my gift, this beautiful bible, and I said please….
I opened it and I though please tell me something…I opened it, and I pointed to the first passage that my finger went to. I looked up at my ceiling, and said…….give me a sign.
The night before. I had spoken with a childhood friend. She asked me, If we got you out of there for a few months, would you leave?
I don’t know.
I have no idea as to what to do.
He gives US 1 day a week of attention…that’s it. It’s usually Saturdays when we go to the beach.
The rest of the week, he’s playing video games every single night. Now he comes home from work at 10pm and he talks to me for maybe 5 minutes.
That’s it, then it’s too the games. I have to walk upstairs, and if I use the computer that’s right next to him, I get a headache from all the screaming, shouting, yelling and cursing he does.
The other night I could hear him all the way upstairs. I had to come downstairs to tell him to please keep it down.
And I hear girls in the background, laughing in this Online game.
Do you think he would put up with this, if I was doing this?No way.
On Sundays he sleeps in, sometimes until 11. And now that work starts at 2pm, he plays until about 2am sometimes he says. And he sleeps now every morning.
Maybe I should be mean and make lots of noise? But I NEVER do. I respect him.
Isn’t that strange?
Or am I scared?
I have NEVER slept in…in the 8 1/2 years of marriage.
Once he told me…OK I’ll take care of the kids.
He woke me up at 9am..breakfast is ready! he said. Wake up!
And he shakes me.
The kids had woken up at 8am.
I don’t want to sleep in for an hour! Please give me at least 3!
I deserve to feel what staying in bed felt like..
At least ONCE.
My finger ended up in this passage from the Bible..
I read it fast. I’m writing it exactly how it is written in the bible.
“Gather together and come;
assemble, you fugitives from the nations.
Ignorant are those who carry about idols
who pray for gods that cannot save.
Declare what is to be, present it-
let them take counsel together.
Who foretold this long ago,
who declared it from the distant past?
What it not I, the Lord?
And there is no God apart from me,
a righteous God and Savior;
there is none but me.
I read it again, and smile, and cry at the same time.
“Declare what is to be, present it-”
This has to be a sign, I think.
And then I noticed that it was Isaiah.
Which was what we were reading at church. Just a different area.
But when I was leaving and one of the women comes to me and gives me the Bible,
She opened it to Isaiah, and said,
“Here, she opened it and pointed to Isaiah , and very calmly, slowly and soothing said,
I ended up there by accident. What does it mean?
Should I take my friends offer and leave?
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