What a topic. My friend Darcie over at Darcie The Kindred Spirit is doing her blog on a theme called “The Sessions on Sex” for the month of February.
She’s asked me to guest post for her on singleness and celibacy.
I’ve posted on singleness many times. I’ve been single for the better part of my 29 years on this planet. There was a brief stint in high school (like 11 days brief) where I technically had a boyfriend, though I’m not even sure at this point that I count that. I’ve dated a bit, but haven’t been out on more than two dates with anyone since then.
And this is the shocking part.
I’m OK with that.
But I’ve never once talked about celibacy in this platform before. I’ll be honest when I admit that I’m a little nervous to write this. And I’ll also admit that it’s one thing to write it with the intention of handing it over to Darcie, but I’m nervous to post it on my own blog …. to my own readers.
I’m single. I’m also a virgin. I have a few reasons for having made that choice, and for having maintained it all these years. And this may be surprising, but the reasons for still being single and a virgin run deeper than “because the Bible tells me so,” although that’s a completely valid reason.
Firstly, I’m single mostly by choice. I haven’t found anyone yet for whom I’m willing to give up the independence I’ve grown to love deeply. But I also have a lot of experience in watching absolutely broken relationships, as well as phenomenal ones. As a result of the combinations of those, I’ve made a conscious decision not to settle. If it means I’m single until the day that I die, I’m ok with that.
Before I came to grips with this for myself, before I was really ok with that (even though I’ve been saying it for a long time), I had many people tell me that it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship. I knew deep down that they were right… I did. But it was very hard to internalize that. When you look at a good relationship though… a really good relationship… you see the things that are worth waiting for. They respect each other. They have each others’ best interests at heart. They share a common love of Jesus (when they’re Christians — I’m not at all saying that healthy relationships don’t exist outside of Christ, they do… I just don’t want to be in one of those). They know how to disagree with each other. They share common values and aren’t completely opposed to each other on really key things like how they raise their kids. They’re friends — they know how to relate to each other in all circumstances because they do life together. They share a sense of humour. They’re equally committed to the success of their relationship.
I am holding out for a relationship with a man who can share that kind of relationship with me…. even if it never happens. In the meantime, I have incredible friends – I’m so blessed. I have a family who loves me dearly. I have a church community that I love. I have great interests and things that I invest my time in while I continue to become the best version of myself I can be in Christ. I’ve waited this long, I don’t intend to settle for less than wonderful.
Now… something that goes hand in hand with this is that I’ve never had sex before. Absolutely, it’s something I’d like to do at some point… and I won’t talk about that any more …. but I made a decision really early on in my young years that just like the Bible instructed me to do, this was something I’d like kept for my husband. It’s my sincere hope that when I do find a husband, he’s done the same for me, though I hope if that’s not the case that I can be full of grace and understanding.
But for me it’s more than just a “because the Bible tells me so” kind of commitment. I’m a product of the youth group era where we glued paper together and showed the damaging effect sleeping around can have … we get all torn up and we’re damaged. And then I grew up and realized how terrible of a message that is without the other half of it — we’re covered by grace and there is beautiful redemption in the arms of Jesus if we didn’t make it to marriage. I have an issue with the amount of shame that was pushed on me while I was a teenager, and it pains me to know that we’re still preaching the same rhetoric without the love and grace.
Anyway — beyond the Biblical reasoning, beyond the possible diseases, beyond all of those typical reasons… my biggest reason for keeping sex inside of marriage (if I ever get there) has come in the last couple of years, when I would say I’ve really owned this decision and made it for myself and really thought it through. My biggest reason has come from something really profound that a couple of friends of mine (who are married to amazing men) have expressed to me. The type of relationship you have with your partner outside of the bedroom will impact the type of relationship you have with your partner inside the bedroom. It would stand to reason then that it’ll be better if I wait until I’m in an awesome relationship… and if I’m holding out for a God-glorifying relationship before I commit to giving up my singleness, why wouldn’t I hold out for the God-glorifying sex that goes along with that?
I think that the people who claim that you can’t really know someone until you’ve slept with them (I had a guy try to pull that one on me after we’d spoken on the phone once… ick!), are wrong. Because while I know that this isn’t a popular stance in the culture I’m in, God’s designs for us aren’t meant to be culturally popular. In fact, normally they’re counter-cultural…. and I’ll trust the designs of my Creator who knows best for me before I’ll take the advice of my culture.
This post first appeared at darciethekindredspirit.com.
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