I used to dress like a hooker, then I had kids!

4 years ago

Women are funny creatures. It doesn't matter if we have icicles hanging from our nipples; if the outfit highlights a few good parts, we're wearing it... Even if it makes us look like a ten cent hooker.

<<AND THEN WE HAVE CHILDREN>>

I used to be that girl: too cool to wear a thermal jacket, too proud to be caught dead in a pair of ugly boots. Then I had a baby, and all my tramp wear was put into a box that hasn't been heard from since. A few weeks ago, I stumbled across one of my Alex & Trixie über low cut tops; and just for kicks, I threw it on. As I stood in front the mirror admiring my deflated chest and disfigured dough-like arms, I questioned whether or not I'd ever be able to wear it again. "I can't wear this shit," I thought, "I'm a mother!" Then I did what I always do when I'm feeling a little confused... I have a conversation with an alter ego.

Alter Ego: "I bet if you lost five pounds, those arms would clean up nicely."

Me: "Yeah, but look at how low cut that front is! I can't walk around like that... I got a kid!"

Alter Ego: "So... You're not dead! And what's so bad about showing off a little skin anyway?"

Me: "Nothing, as long as I don't look like a raw chicken leg trying to squeeze into a Barbie thong." *Clears throat*

Alter Ego: "Are you saying I look like a raw chicken leg?"

Me: "You do realize you are talking to yourself?"

Then, after much debate, we both agreed to table the discussion for another time. A few days later, the temperature dropped considerably. As I stood in my closet trying to figure out what to wear, I couldn't stop laughing at how ridiculous it would be to put on anything other than a parka. "I wouldn't be caught dead in that thing!" I told myself, while holding up the purple mini skirt I wore the hell out of several winters back (my alter ego agreed wholeheartedly). I fought my way into a pair of skinny jeans and quickly slid my cold feet into the inviting comfort of my sheepskin-lined boots. And THAT is where they shall remain, until the spring of 2014! 

I may not get a whistle from the guy working on my neighbor's roof; but who gives a shit... At least I'm warm!

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