I've been trying to write this since Friday night but I keep starting, and then stopping. Clearly I need to write about it or it wouldn't continue to bother me.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic.
And my daughter is as well.
I don't think I've forgotten everything that happened when I was a kid, but I've realized that I block a lot of it out. Friday evening everything came flooding back. I was watching Intervention late Friday night and an episode was on about a woman named Jackie that is an alcoholic. I watch intervention all the time and never before has it triggered anything with me. But for some reason this show just made everything come flooding back.
Jackie has a 16 (I think) year old daughter. Her daughter lives with her aunt because Jackie is always too drunk to care for her. The pain I saw in her daughter's eyes just tore my heart into pieces. She didn't want to hug her mom, talk to her, see her...nothing. They talked about a time when Jackie took her daughter to piano lessons and got a DUI on the way there. I sat on my couch and cried so hard. I remember being really young - maybe 10 or 11?? My brother and I were with my dad for the weekend and he was bringing us home on a Sunday evening. He was drunk of course. He bought us bean bag chairs and let us sit on the bean bag chairs in the backseat. Yeah, no seatbelts. We were driving on McKelvey and it was icy out and my dad's truck started to slide. The details are fuzzy anymore. I can't remember a lot from that night. But I do remember my dad telling us not to tell our mom.We heard that a lot. It's amazing, I blocked that out for so many years and all of the sudden the memory came flooding back to me along with many other bad memories from my dad drinking.
Then I started thinking about Katelyn. My innocent little six and a half year old princess. Her dad is like my dad - only he's 25 times worse. Literally. I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. I sat on the couch with Danny and I told him that I don't want that for my daughter. I don't want her to be 28 years old like I am and still having all of these unresolved issues with her dad. I know I need to go back to therapy to work through all of these things. Obviously I discounted how traumatic it really was for me. Now I'm realizing how much it affects me as an adult. My dad and I have a decent relationship, but I still have so much resentment towards him for what he's put me and my brother through.
On the show Jackie's daughter basically made it clear that she "hates" her mom and doesn't want to be around her. What's so sad to me is that I can already see that Katelyn feels that way about her dad. After this last incident about a month ago with him drinking she hasn't asked to see him. She hasn't said anything but "I hate him. I never want to see him again. he's a bad man." She is SIX. No six year old should ever have to deal with these type of emotions.
No matter what, I don't care what any judge/court order says. I will NEVER allow him around my daughter again. I'm breaking this cycle here and now. Katelyn doesn't deserve to go through this and I'm putting a stop to it. I'm pretty sure we won't be hearing from him anyway - so it probably won't be too difficult to keep him away.
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