today i am going to blog about something that has made an impact on my life in so many ways that i don't even know where to begin, but well i will start with today. i am sitting here with my kids after working a 10 hour day and am dogass tired and i am feeling like i am wondering how much more i will tolerate from the one i love. about how much more it will take before i break, so that nothing will hold me together anymore. i am and my life is an open book. i don't hide my feelings and i don't hide what is going on in my life from pretty much anyone? is that normal? i dunno but i have never been normal. so here i will spill in my blog that i love someone who doesn't even love himself. that it is taking everything in me and the fact that i do not have gas anyway to go and look for him. that he does not want to be found right now anyway at least not by me. that is because he is high. high on crank and he just left a drug rehab after getting a chance to go instead of back to prison.oh he has been in and out most of his life and mine and his kids.... i know right now if you read this you are saying why have you not left him girl, get on with your life and all that other uplifting powerful stuff women say to one another to show their support. i say those things too. but the thing is i know the person he was before he used and i still hold out hope that he will conquer his demons and start loving himself enough to want that change as bad as we his family do. a lot of you will think i am fighting a losing battle and that i am probably crazy to stay in this dysfunctional relationship and yes i must be on some level. it isn't even about our relationship anymore but his relationship with his 3 daughters and his grandson. i am actually thinking of moving away from this situation and gettin my life right without him, but that does not mean that i will automatically stop caring for him. or that i will ever stop loving him. i am not the kind of person who gives up on the people i love, i would not want them to give up on me, and in fact some of them have. when i needed my family the most they were not there for me and a lot of that had to do with him, and the fact that i was with him. the one thing i do know is that a lot of people who i love and respect have turned their lives around when everyone thought that they too were hopeless cases. one of my own family members who was an addict for 35 years is now clean and sober and is a wonderful artist. and she relayed to me that the one thing that kept her wanting to change was the fact that her family never gave up hope in her. so okay loving a meth addict or alcoholic or any form of addict takes from you and takes from you and the people who cant leave like your kids. my kids are wonderful and yes they are damaged too, they have seen so many terrible things and have been through so much already, but they too love their dad and realize he is sick and that it is not anything they have done wrong that makes him who he is. so i will blog right now about loving someone who is an addict and hoping that i don't loose myself along the way. i hope maybe someone out there will get what i am saying.
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