So. I lost a friend at BlogHer '13. I realized I was being ignored right away after I got home from Chicago, I felt it in my heart. This friend, she's usually engaging and funny and always had a kind word for me across all the social platforms.
She was strangely silent for a few days, and my first feeling was fear. I was afraid something awful happened in her life. She wasn't answering texts or phone calls from me at all. I saw she was actively posting on Facebook and I figured they were scheduled posts.
Then one afternoon I noticed that she was commenting on a mutual friends page, and I was relieved. I even commented under her and said something like "thank god you are ok, I've been so worried". There was no reply, and at that point I realized I was being ignored.
Not giving up, I went into stalker mode and hopped up my efforts to talk to her. I called. No answer. I texted. No answer. I felt dread in my belly, and tried to figure out what I could possibly have done to her to upset her enough to cut me off. I analyzed our time spent together at the conference. I reread the texts we sent to each other.
The last message I sent to her was at Ree Drummond's keynote, telling her where I was sitting, "5 tables back, three in from the door, come join us". I was sitting with our Chatter Tribe from the BlogHer site and I wanted her to be with us. She declined saying she found a seat by the stage and would stay there because she could see better. In my mind, I thought that she had found her own tribe. After all, she's a grown woman with a kind spirit. I figured she made her own connections who probably were more interesting than me.
And then the post conference silent treatment began. What did I do wrong? Did I not send enough invitations to her to join Nikki and I and the other gals from Chatter? Had I accidentally neglected her and hurt her feelings?
Thursday before we left for the airport to head to Las Vegas, I tried calling her one more time. She answered. "What's wrong? Why aren't you talking to me?" She answered - "It's over. I can't be friends with you. We were too close and I am cutting our friendship off". But why? I asked. What did I do? How did I hurt you? How can I fix it? Her reply was " Karen Lynn, you are just to nice to everyone". Say what? You are breaking off our friendship because I am nice? She answered yes, and I cried. No, I blubbered like a little girl...you can't be serious, you are ending our relationship because I am NICE to everyone I meet?
As Popeye says: I yam who I yam. If being kind is a character flaw of mine, well I'm not going to become someone else to keep her as a friend. I like people. I was thrilled to meet my Chatter Tribe in real life. Not just them, but everyone I met at BlogHer '13 were so kind. We all laughed together, we attended sessions together (and apart). I left Chicago floating on the love cloud that is the BlogHer community.
Heck, despite losing a close friend, I'm still carrying the inspiration and empowerment I got at BlogHer. My heart hurts, over the loss of our friendship but I've come to terms with it. I accept her decision.
And you know what? I actually feel as though she bestowed a high compliment to me. My mom said "Karen, you're a good person and everyone you meet likes you". Thanks mom, I needed that, to hear her tell me I am a good person with a kind heart was what I needed. I didn't need to hear: fuck it, it's her loss. (what evil Karen was saying in my head). I needed the affirmation mom gave me. I did nothing wrong. You just can't be everything to everyone.
I miss you, but my life will go on.
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