I am not the droid you're looking for.

4 years ago

Up until the point I had children I was almost completely void of emotion.

In a household like mine growing up where emotions were constantly over charged thanks to an abundance of mental illness and drug abuse, some thing in me decided emotions were weakness. Watching other people cry makes me uncomfortable, people who belly laugh to me just look silly, nothing should ever effect you so much emotionally that you feel the need to yell or become angry- that means the person who made you angry is the one with the power, the power to make you FEEL.

I don't laugh at funny movies, I smile, barely. I don't cry at the end of sad movies, I think to myself that was... sad. I don't yell during arguments, I get passive aggressive if anything, become a ball of pent up sarcasm.

B.W and I discussed this last night after I told him thee things, he already knew obviously, he just didnt realize the reasons behind it. He has always said that I'm like a man, men don't often show their true emotions. He constantly wants me to tell him how I feel. I told him I don't WANT to feel anything. And now he wants me to go to anger management. I don't get angry, now I have children I can do happiness, but angry isn't in my repertoire.  Myabe once a year I break and become angry or sad or both and it usually floors me for a couple of days. I still don't yell or cry, because that is weakness. I just go into myself.

I want to tell you all I am not depressed, my mother thinks I am, she thinks medication can fix anything. I am not depressed, depression is an abundance of sad emotions. I don't have any, and I haven't had any since I was a child.

I don't want to go to angermanagement because B.W thinks it will help me harness my emotions in a healthy way. I don't want emotions.

I like being a droid.

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