Hello and welcome to the first meeting of Adults Who Have Never Read Fifty Shades of Grey. Looks like we are a small gathering tonight – Marge, yes, I see you waving wildly over in the corner. And, yes, you, Jebediah, dear sister. You don’t like the name Jebediah? Well, don’t say that so loudly because the whole Duggar family is sitting next to you. They must have a Jebediah in there somewhere. What’s that you say, Jim Bob? You and Michelle read Fifty Shades to each other every night hence the large clan? Yes, you can be dismissed. I think there’s still time to make the Oversexed and Over 40 meeting down the hall. I hear they are really hurting for members. Yep, hurry along now. All 20 something of you. Don’t forget to grab the last one. What’s her name? Josie? God bless!
For those of you still remaining, I’d like to…what, Jebediah? Yes, you can change your name. I know, I know you never liked the actual name Marge gave you. Too boyish. Oh, stop crying. I was just joshing around when I gave you the name Jebediah. What? No, I’m not suggesting Josh for a name. Marge, hand that child of yours a tissue. I’ve got it! How about JL Wolfe? That will be your new name in an homage to the writer EL James. Better? All smiles now? Atta boy! I’m just kidding! Oh, no, more crying…
Now on to the first order of business. On the agenda for this evening:
- Are you obligated to read a book that the author herself claims is poorly written?
- Do you know anyone who read the first book, hated it, but couldn’t wait to read the second and third?
- Are you a hypocrite if you chose NOT to read the books but are seriously considering seeing the movie?
- Other ideas on how to make a butt load of money from a poorly conceived idea.
- Are there Spark Notes to the series?
So to address the first point…Oh, Dolor. I didn’t see you sneak in. Welcome, welcome. Why are you here, dear sister? I thought you read the books. As I recall, you read the first one, thought it was terrible and dug right into the second and third. Please explain! I’m sorry, speak up! What? Oh, you accidentally read the second and third? The first was intentional. Sure, I get it. Everyone was doing it. But the second and third fell into your lap. Oh, that seems logical. No, no. I know the writing is sophomoric at best. It was for research? Ah! Makes perfect sense.
Well, sit down, make yourself comfortable. You can act as our advisor. Feel free to help yourself to the oysters and chocolate in the back of the room. Just because we didn’t read the books doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy a little somethin’, if you know what I mean.
Now, where were we? Let’s skip ahead to fundraising ideas, shall we? JL? Marge? Any ideas? Why the fundraising, you ask? Because those oysters don’t just pay for themselves, now do they? Never mind – I’ve got a brilliant idea! We’ll run a butterbeer stand. You know, like a lemonade stand only we’ll sell butterbeer. Yes, Marge, I know that butterbeer is from Harry Potter, but no one will notice. They’re both hugely popular books written by British authors who made gobs of money. It’s all the same thing really.
Oh and it looks like the time has gotten away from us. Remember your job is recruitment, folks. Surely we can find others who haven’t read the books. Ask your friends, bring a neighbor. It’s not an easy task, that’s for sure. What? Yes, preferably someone who is living. Next week we will compare and contrast Fifty Shades with Judy Blume’s Wifey. Dolor, hoping you can attend and help us out with that one. Meeting adjourned.
More from living