Holding myself to honesty

4 years ago

I read quite a few blogs.  There are some incredibly gifted writers in the blogisphere. They make me laugh almost to the point of puking.  They have pertinent information I'm looking for.  Sometimes they make me envious.  I learn new things.  I've realized I'm not alone in the world experiencing the day to day life of young women with all it's drama and heartache.  I can read about other women who have children who are bisexual or bi-polar.  It helps me to know about their experiences so I can find my way in this maze of parenting without being a total jerk. There are other women out there getting ready to turn 50, women who have already conquered the age of 50, itching to experience everything they've missed, not wanting to waste a moment of their time on toxicity or arguing, who are willing to be who they are naked (not nekkid although the laundry it would save has to be amazing) and I don't care about pretending to be "all together".

TRUTH, I haven't worn make-up or pantyhose in probably 10 years or more.  I wasted my 30's on worrying about my looks and I'm glad to know other women feel the same way.

I hate facades.  I hate people who say you're getting the real thing but neglect to tell you some important facts.  That, reader, is called "not telling the truth."  You can paint it anyway you want but omitting facts in order to lead someone to see you in a certain light is being dishonest.  It makes the picture pretty but it's not real.

I make mistakes every day.  I do things right every day.  I say the right thing every day and I say the wrong thing..., every other day (that's good). Sometimes I'm the cause of a huge clusterf**k.  Sometimes I clean up after one.  But, I am who I am.  There's no one behind me, in front of me or beside me.  It's all me.

 I will try, no not try as I tell my daughters, I will not make caricatures of myself to entice readers.  I will not set out to offend anyone but neither will I hide my feelings and concerns or rewrite my histories in order to make myself more acceptable.  What you see is what you get. Personally, I'm too old for that shit.  I've had too many tragedies in my life to play games.  I realize my time on this earth is limited and I don't want to waste any of it kowtowing to someone who doesn't open their eyes and see the "real" world around them.  Guess what?  It's not all unicorns and gumdrops out there.  In fact, it's mostly misery with  people just doing the best they can to get by.


So this is what you will always get from me when I write.


My endeavor to treat every living thing with respect and dignity (this will exclude water bugs and ants).  I fail more often than I succeed but I get up every day and try again.


My endeavor to leave the world a better place than I found it.  It's an ongoing battle but I refuse to give up.


My endeavor to see things with humor.  After my son died, I learned that if I was not laughing than I was crying and if I was not living than I was dying.  Most of the time, it all came down to keeping my sense of humor, even it is decidedly sarcastic.


My endeavor to be polite.  I tell my daughters politeness will change the world.  This does not mean that I stop calling a spade, a spade when I see one.  I'll just be as polite as I can be when calling someone out.


My life is messy, overwhelming at times, crazy, hectic, far from perfect and certainly nothing for anyone to emulate.  My marriage is hard work, every day but worth every moment.  Sometimes I wonder why I ever gave birth and sometimes my heart shatters with love when I watch my daughters.  It's a toss up every day.

I fail... a lot.  I make stupid decisions.  I spend too much money.  I forget to do things people ask me to do.  I've let people down.  I've said the wrong things at the wrong times.  


But I get up every morning and give it another try.

Oh, and I'm agnostic. I don't want anyone to be surprised.


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