Head in the Clouds of Hawaii

5 years ago

Last night, lying in bed with my husband, I Googled triathlons and Hawaii.  If we're going to think about traveling for a family trip and a triathlon, why not go to Hawaii.  As I scrolled through the races, I scoffed aloud at the short distances.  A half mile swim?  Pa!  A six mile run?  Piece of cake!  A 20 mile bike ride?  Um - not my favorite, but I bet with some practice, not an issue!  An ironman?  A DOUBLE ironman?  Hmmm - could I?

And then I realized that there I was lying in bed with the computer caught up in the land of crazy thinking.

It wasn't too long ago that I was lying in that same bed with the computer Googling magical weight loss camps where I could take my kids.

Reality has a wry sense of humor.

I swear the scale says I weigh five pounds more than last week.  Um.  It might be true.  I can't actually believe I ate five pounds worth of calories.  I like to think I've acquired some major muscle mass, but the reality is....I have been having fun "fueling my body" and scales and weight loss do not always go in a nice smooth line and I'm not really doing crazy amounts of exercise every day.

So yesterday I went back to more moderate eating.   Except I had an extra serving of ice cream  Boy, I have gotten cocky.  And today I shall try again to keep things in moderation.

Yesterday morning I did get up and go to the gym and that was good and felt good.  In the shower, afterwards, I wondered if I still needed to keep exercising and eating less.  Isn't my body where it is quite fine?  Well, it is.  It feels fine.  I'm feeling more confident.  I feel less self-conscious.  I feel NORMAL.

But, sighing, alas, darn, I did have a goal of being in a healthy BMI and I am not there yet.  And I want good health so I'm around for my kids (and my own life) and this tub of lard around my belly and on my thighs and probably hanging with my organs is probably not the best for me - not the worst, but not the best.  And so, I finished my shower knowing that I couldn't just play in fun community triathlon land much longer and would have to get back to the work of being a normal overeater.

Because that's what I am.  I like a good meal.  And I like to eat it with gusto.  And my new patterns have not completely replaced my old ones.  So small portions and putting restaurant foods in to-go boxes and waking up for the gym - here I come.  Blech.

But there is another part of me that is excited and invigorated and mapping out great 10 and 12 mile runs to do in the hills.  I haven't done them, but the fact that I'm daydreaming and planning them tells me I'm liking them.

And yesterday, driving through the hills with my head off in the great land of potential possibilities on a blue sky day, I wondered where the heck have I been the last three years?  We've been in this town for three years and never has it seemed so beautiful and full of potential.  I actually think I've been a bit depressed.  Or maybe I even know it. 

I functioned fine, but I didn't feel good about my inner self.  I lost who I was.  Of course, I gave birth to two kids and cared for them and loved them and feel good about that and my family and my home, but I didn't feel good about ME.  And now I am starting to.

But I think it will take some vigilence and some work to keep it there.

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