Why is it that the stupidest thing can make me cry? I mean, I would not be surprised to shed a tear or two on my wedding anniversary (and I did), or while looking at pictures, and things like that. But to have a clueless anonymous person who couldn't care less about me or my situation - well, it's just not right.
I got a debit card in the mail today. It was from my electric provider, and we have gotten one for the past several years because my husband signed us up for this plan where you get a cash reward based on your usage. I have forgotten about it every year until we got the card.
In any case, I attempted to activate the thing and when I tucked the receiver between my ear and shoulder so I could write down the PIN being assigned, the darn thing slipped. So I hung up and called back, and the call was routed to a young lady who needs a few lessons in compassion.
Since the account was in my husband's name, she informed me that I would need to fax in a copy of a death certificate and either a power of attorney or a probate something-or-other before she could activate my card. And no, she could not take an email. Never mind that I don't have a power of attorney and probating the will costs lots of money and I don't plan on doing it until absolutely necessary. I don't consider a debit card for just under 50 bucks a valid reason to spend hundreds of dollars.
There is a reason I generally had my husband deal with vendors and people on the phone. I don't seem to have a lot of patience with them. But God is working on that. I controlled myself enough to politely ask for her supervisor. He apologized and activated the card.
Not a big deal, right? So why did I start crying after I hung up? It makes no sense at all. Was it because I took a practice exam and flunked it because I wasn't being careful to click the right box? Is it because it has been gloomy for days (the way it usually is this time of year)? Or is it because I just miss him so very much?
There's no one I can talk to who knows what I am feeling except my sister, and I really don't want to bother her with my trivial little issues when she is dealing with major stuff. The church has made it very clear that their vision will not be sidetracked by organizing a widows' support group, and I understand that. I respect and support their vision.
So what do I do? I guess I put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I could ask my aunts or my mom, but I don't want to reveal my weakness to someone who is not in a spiritual position of strength. I'm not trying to be superior to anyone, but common sense says you don't ask for help from someone who can't give it. You must have in order to give, and I know my mom doesn't have a relationship with Jesus. One of my aunts may, the other one I am not sure. But conversations with them do not indicate that they have the type of strength I need.
Only One has that strength, and He is Jesus. So once again I will give Him my burden. I give Him the pain, the loss, and the hurt. He can bear it, because I cannot.
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