Happy Birthday to Me!

3 years ago

“As the three of them yapped contentedly all the way to the gate, through the lengthy boarding process, onto the plane with its blankets and pillows that gave it the atmosphere of an international slumber party, she felt her face opening into expressions she’d forgotten how to make. Lena remembered herself in all the old familiar things they said. She existed in her friends; there she was. All the parts of herself she’d forgotten. She knew herself best when she was with them.”
- from “Sisterhood Everlasting,” by Ann Brashares

I have more or less been celebrating for the past 24 hours. I feel too tired to write this entry, and yet there’s something I want to say.

I feel as if I have left a part of myself, however small, with every person whom I’ve met and cared about. I didn’t realize this until the last few years, as social media helped bring us back together, maintain ties, or cause embarrassment with pictures that really should have disappeared after college (I feel obliged to point out this is more in a self-centered, “What was I wearing, and what was up with that hair?” as opposed to anything more scandalous. Sorry to disappoint).

These are people who “knew me back when…” Back when I thought I was invincible. Back when I refused to believe that I could be afraid (vampires and zombies not withstanding). Back when I felt I mattered.

Thanks to them, I was able to find a way back to that part of myself.

And then there are the people I met after I lost sight of myself…except they couldn’t know how much I’d changed. They liked me anyways. They seemed to see the parts of me that I thought were gone. Thanks to them, I couldn’t lose sight of how very happy and exciting life can be.

And now? Now, I am just utterly exhausted after a surprise party that I totally didn’t expect and a day full of projects I finally got around to doing.

I am really happy, though. Ridiculously, ecstatically, superlatively happy. The kind of happy where you can’t really expect me to make sense.

I have the bestest friends.

Here’s to another awesome year. We should have a cupcake party at my place.

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