Halloweenies, or...

9 years ago

How the Grinches Are Trying to Steal Halloween...

Courtesy of FARK, I just read these links from Pat "Knows the Mind of God" Robertson's CBN website. Kids, did you know that people who celebrate Halloween "either are unaware of its roots, or are intentionally promoting a world where evil is lauded and viewed as an ultimate power"??? According to the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) website, that's the situation. Halloween is going to eat our immortal souls!!

I better make sure all my Wiccan friends know they're totally screwed. I bet they had no idea!

Much to their dismay, some of the Pat Robertson Christians have had to come to terms with "the simple reality that in today’s Western culture it is nearly impossible to 'avoid' Halloween." Oh, the horror! CBN even has an online "Halloween Resource" page to make sure the evils of this horrible day won't darken Christian doorsteps. Yeah. For real. Sad, huh?

So, just how does a "true" Christian deal with Halloween? Why, by handing out scripture in the form of cute little Gospel tracts for kids rather than that hellspawn Snickers snack bar! Or hey - you could get a GREAT reputation as the Official Neighborhood Crazy Cat Lady with this suggestion: "...consider designing your own tracts or attaching scripture messages to the treats." Riiiight. Look, if I brought home stuff like that from a stranger, my mom would have been introducing these treats to Mr. Hefty Bag or taking them to the ER for an x-ray.

Still looking for the right Christian option for the hell-o-day? How about these surely tasty treats: "Scripture Candy, from the makers of  Fish Mints™, contain wrappers that have scriptural text. Also, EvangeCandy, 'the only candy with color-coded Gospels on every wrapper' are fun for children."

Hooray! What child doesn't love some good color-coded Gospel messages on Halloween? I'm sure the Jewish, Muslim, & Hindi kids in your 'hood will be thrilled! As will their parents! Good work, Sister Christian!

And I'm sorry, but no candy should be called "FishMints." That's just so wrong. On so many levels. "Mmmm, baby - your breath smells just like a tuna sandwich from Quiznos!" Okay, I know, they probably mean "Jesus Fish" - but still, yikes, that's maybe not the best name for a mint.

A dear friend just reminded me that his church used to have a haunted house on Halloween. Most of the churches in my hometown did the same thing. Has that tradition died in the face of strident evangelical Christianity? I hope not.

Look, I love Halloween. I was just a few hours of short of being born on Halloween back in 1965. I made costumes up through high school, and when I lived overseas, it was a real bummer to not have kids at the door on October 31st. I can't wait to see who and what shows up on my doorstep next week.

Of course, things have changed; I miss the Halloween of my childhood. And I hate to see people who believe they have an exclusive golden ticket into heaven trying to paint it as evil. I don't appreciate Wicca being described in those same small-minded terms, either. If you believe in god, that god made both Christians and non-Christians alike. And fearing or condeming people because they just aren't like you? Not particularly Christian in my book.

Frankly, I like to think Jesus would have told the Halloween haters to lighten the hell up.

From one lapsed cafeteria Catholic to all my Halloween-loving friends - have a blast! Let your kids have a blast, if you've got 'em! Make a fun costume. Put on some horns at work (I will!) and don't let the puckered sphincter crowd get you down. They all need to go back and watch Oh God! with George Burns, honestly. I always loved God saying he made all these faiths, all these beliefs, and he really didn't give a fig how you addressed him/interacted with him. A most sensible view of religion and spirituality, I think. And from Hollywood, yet. Go figure.

To my Wiccan friends, I wish you a good Samhain. To the moms and dads and kids getting ready to assemble costumes, knock on doors, and hope for something other than Sweet Tarts in your plastic pumpkin - have fun! Revel! Remember what Halloween was when we were kids! (And a side note to the young, horny singles planning on wearing overpriced rentals, drinking to excess, and waking up in a strange place on November 1st: don't throw up on the rental. And carry condoms. And enough money for a cab. You'll thank me later.)

As for me, I'll be the one in Lafayette Park in DC at lunchtime on Halloween, celebrating my birthday a few hours early. You won't be able to miss me - I'll be the huge chick, waving at the White House, wearing my little red devil horns and a name tag reading "HELLO I'm Dick Cheney's Sister." One last parting shot at the short timers at 1600 Penn.

Feel free to join me. I have a plastic pitchfork waiting for you.

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