Gracious

4 years ago

I’ve always said that I’m better with words, as far as writing what I feel and need to say because my head and heart can become so overwhelmed. I’m writing this one for you. And maybe it’s more for myself–because there’s plenty I’ve wanted to say–but instead of being able to speak these words to you, I’d choke on them, second guessing my thoughts and what needed to be expressed. You don’t have to do that when you write. Once you put them down, they’re there for good; to stay.

It was a song that brought all this on–you know how I am about music–it’s called “Promise” by Ben Howard. You could look for it, but knowing you, I’ll either have to send it to you via text or post it for you. It never bothers me anyhow.

I’ve been thinking a lot, about everything that’s happened between us in a not so short period of time. Sometimes it’s confusing and other times it’s a bit remorseful; knowing that I was so happy and content with you in the place we were in and no longer being there now. 

I came to a weird realization. The reason I can’t be angry about the situation–because believe me, I’d much rather be angry; it’d be easier–is because I came to care for you so much and sointensely. When I felt that what we had was compromised by something I couldn’t control, it tore me apart. What I feel now, aren’t emotions of anger or hatred. It’s hurt and loss, and I hurt because I felt that I’d lost you. Crazy as it may seem, I could sense exactly when you pulled away from me. It was like getting bad phone reception–when everything gets cut into half sentences and you can’t understand what the other person is trying to convey.

I came to understand you–too clearly–in such an extraordinary way that it seemed to have both of us in a daze. It’s nothing I regret; telling you exactly about yourself. Someone had to reassure you of all those unnecessary doubts.

Maybe that’s what this was all about, ya know? Maybe we tried to take something that wasn’t meant for forever–something that was only temporary–and tried to make it something it wasn’t supposed to be. Crappy realization isn’t it? But that doesn’t make it horrible. I think we crossed paths purposely; for a reason. I think, you needed to remember how to be content with yourself, to regain your self assurance. Maybe you lost it somewhere along the harder paths you’ve gone down, but I wanted you to remember. You had so much that you were dealing with and I could see how hard it was for you to deal with those things, to come to realizations that made you unhappy. I saw you overcome some of those things as well though, and if there had to be any reward in all of this, that would be it. I think you found yourself in a place that made you happy, and honestly, that’s all I wanted.

Whatever you choose to do, be sure that it makes you happy. Don’t let yourself recoil back to the same dark places that you fought to get out of, because that’s exactly what you did; youfought to bring yourself where you are now.

Always chase your dreams, even though you’re doubtful of your true talent, you have a gift. [:

Don’t be so afraid to show people that you’re genuinely a good person. I know you’ve got your walls built around you–and for good reason–but I think I’ve learned myself that we can’t always assume that there are people who want to hurt us, that there’s still plenty of good people, and we still have those who truly do love and care for us.

“Cause I, adore you so. When it all comes clear–the wind is settled–I’ll be here, you know.”

 

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