If you follow my blog or follow my FB then you have read about my struggle with post-partum depression and anxiety. For me, it has really been more about the anxiety and yesterday as I read about the anniversary of the loss of a child I knew I had a difficult time as I imagined what that loss must feel like. I know what I imagine cannot even come close to how painful that must truly be. As I lay in bed crying Paul kept asking me what was wrong and I asked him how he doesn't worry about SIDS. He said honestly the only time he thinks about it at all is when I bring it up and why worry about something we have no control over and I realized he is right. For sure we are taking all the preventative measures we can (sleeping on her back, trying to regulate her temperature, breastfeeding, etc), but if it is God's plan that we only get to have our beautiful girl for a short period of time then it's God's plan. And I asked myself if I knew she would only be here for a short period of time would I still have chosen to have her and the answer is emphatically yes. Her presence in our life has been such a blessing so far and I pray that we get the joy of watching her grow up. She is the light of my life, of our lives really and I can hardly remember a time when she wasn't here even though she's only 4 weeks old. What did we do with ourselves before we had this tiny bundle to care for?Our beautiful daughter
This is what 48 hours and an unplanned c-section
Tonight I was reminded even more how selfish my worries and anxiety truly have been. I follow a blog in which the writer, a mother, lost one of her 2 1/2 year old twins before Christmas. Today they had to put their dog to sleep. So sad and so much loss to go through in such a short amount of time, but she is relying on God to help her through.
She recently posted the following from Jesus Calling:
This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions,of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.
Those words truly spoke to my heart. I haven't been faithful because I've allowed my anxieties to overwhelm me and rob me of the joy of motherhood. I am missing precious moments because I have been so focused on what might be instead of what is. This family truly has experienced the worst pain imaginable and yet they are still present in life's joy. I have the most beautiful baby ever (I know all parents say that, but our baby really is gorgeous and funny) and I want to enjoy every second I have to spend with her.
I do not even need to worry about controlling my anxiety. God will do that for me. He will watch over us and bless us and all we need to do is appreciate what we have.
Tonight we also will be asking God to watch over our Sasha (our 85lb boxer). She had a vet appt today and goes back tomorrow for surgery on her mouth to remove an abscess, remove 2 tumors on her shoulder, and for them to xray her leg and find out why she's been limping. Hopefully the tumors are benign and her leg is something easy to fix and not a torn ligament or bone cancer (possibilities the vet told Paul). Sasha loves her baby so much and we for sure want Sasha to have the opportunity to someday play with the baby she loves so much. We will keep you posted."Where's my baby?" As soon as Sasha comes upstairs or in the house she looks for the baby
More from living