God speaks to me, and I get such a kick out of it!
I should make it clear to my undecided and agnostic readers that I am not a Holy Roller (Google it) or Bible thumper (This one too.). I have believed in The Trinity for as long as I can remember even though my brother and I regularly ditched Sunday school and church, so we could hang out in Krispy Kreme Donuts. What could an adult expect? Presented with choice as a ten and eleven year old walking past Krispy Kreme Donuts on our way to church the donuts won. In retrospect, I know God understood our choice.
He knew my little heart was heavy and my head full of confusion, questions and darkness about the divorce. He also knew I would come around forty plus years later to work through that period of my life, my misunderstanding of Him and a child’s struggles. He was right. When struggle seems to outweigh life’s joy, yet waking moments never consider that struggle outweighs life's joy… well… as far as I am concerned life was normal. Yes, I have believed in The Trinity for as long as I can remember although I have fallen short time and time again and spent the majority of my years living My will versus Thy Will.
My relationship with God developed like any other relationship. First, a disclosure period for me since God already knew me so well. In time, I could sense God more in my conscious. He was never intrusive or controlling, simply living in me like a breeze on a windy day…eventually becoming a whisper in my ear when I was in need of guidance or an answer to a lingering question.
So I have gone and dunnit now, huh? For starters if eyes other than mine can read my words this means I uploaded my document to my blog site and now my words will forever live in cyber world. In other words, I have single handedly catapulted me into a select group of people who happens to represent something that can't be understood. Shall we dress me in white, lock me up and throw away the key now? I ask because I realize I am officially one of THOSE people who say, “God speaks to me!”
Yes, God speaks to me regularly, and I don’t mind telling the world about my experience. No, I do not have a desire to convert people to my way of thinking or living. Today my blog celebrates me, and those who have gone before me, to share their remarkable stories of God. Thing is...it's just...as these happy souls came forward to share their experience it did not look as though their explanation went too well.
Allow me to explain what I have seen happen time and time again. These stories tend to take place in a televised format. During the interview, it is difficult not to notice onlooker’s facial expressions. If you don’t know what I mean, the next time someone says he or she hears God make a point and watch onlooker’s faces. The expressions look as if to say, “This person is wacko – this person has got to be on drugs – this person has escaped from the loony house, blah, blah, blah.” Then, of course, the drill is usually always the same. The person is challenged to explain how on earth it is possible for God to talk. That’s when the situation on television starts to feel weird or uncomfortable. This brave soul who simply wanted to share a beautiful experience is now under a microscope for the moment – the person senses it and becomes all discombobulated. For the disbelievers, naysayers, or people on the fence who happen to be in proximity, the camera looks as though it zooms in on their faces and negative body language; arms crossed tightly across their chest, as their astounded eye balls slowly cut to the center of the room to get on with the next segment. I get it. Society has difficulty with things that appear to be a mystery and let’s face it God is a mystery for many people and used to be for me too.
If a person claims God speaks to him or her, I have never felt a need to second guess or to question a person’s lucidity. Instead, my head fills with desire and the following questions, “How is it possible for God to talk to someone? What did God sound like when He spoke to you? Is His voice deep? Does His voice resonate in your ear? Were you frightened? Did you know it was Him? How did you know it was Him?”
I know God does not like for His children to feel envy, but I was envious.
Today I figure if I am thinking it, others may be thinking it too. There’s no harm in throwing some thoughts out into the world. And in case anyone is wondering about my future intentions I do not have grandiose plans to rally Jesus ‘lovin (I love Jesus big time!), Bible ‘Thumpin (I am not a Bible Thumper.) Holly ‘Rollin, (I am not a Holy Roller either.) God ‘fearin (He does kinda scare me…in an excellent way though.) yahoos (You ‘betcha I can act like a yahoo!) to set up camp and demonstrate in front of some monumental location that people would expect to find something like this happening. Nope. No desire to fuss like that. I only desire to write my feelings down, because... God speaks to me, and I get such a kick out of it!
Over the past couple of years, I have put my fingers to my key board to type over one hundred thousand words about the moment my life and health changed in late 2009. And though I eventually succumbed to a relationship with God, it has taken me over two years to start to write about this defining moment. I was at a complete loss how to write or talk about something I didn’t understand. God has been a mystery to me for so long and today it finally feels as natural as a sunrise to talk or write about God.
I now know God has tried to reveal Himself to me at numerous times in my life. I can think back to these unique moments and identify the hour, minute or second I knew I had just experienced something spiritual. Nothing more though. To ask somebody like me, who believed in God with all my heart, yet did not have depth of understanding, it was difficult to discuss my unique experience let alone process it too. Alas, I know these missed opportunities have helped my spiritual being take shape.
Through my writing, I have developed a passion for reading. In a collection, of roughly one hundred books that I have read and devoured over the past two years I am baffled that I have not added one book to my collection that explains the mystery of God. This is HUGE because many who know me well or have worked with me would attest to a rigid side of me that must conduct a root analysis of anything I can’t understand. (ACK! I get exhausted simply typing this admission.)
No, I did not lift one finger to Google God or try to research if anyone “out there” shares a similar experience to that night in early November 2009. (I doubt I ever will either.) Nope, in the beginning I just woke up each day and lived as I do today. I know enough to accept my experience as the real deal. Undeniably this experience is the defining moment that has forever changed my life. Who knew I could trek through these last three years and process some heavy duty SH_ T, yet feel so light and free while doing so. Thank you God.
I also have a sense that my feeling of freedom and passion for the truth in my writing is attributed to my experiences as I worked in Corporate America.
The last three years of my life as I have tackled the wreckage of my experiences and painstakingly maneuvered days of uncharted waters I think there is a possibility that my whiz kid multi tasking abilities may be on permanent vacation. If this is true, I consider it a blessing from God. My days are not filled with unrealistic expectations, but yes, it still takes work.
True, after that night in November 2009 I embraced the idea of God in my life. Even so God had to stay on His toes with me. I could not see past my desire to breathe. I have come to enjoy description and metaphor, so I enjoy the question "Can you tell me what this might look like?" When I write, "God had to stay on His toes with me." I envision several canvases. The first canvas illustrates a busy afternoon in front of The HUB at my alma mater. On one hand, I want to write it could be any day of any year, but more than likely the year is 1987. The time of the day is lunch hour as students stand in groups, or sit on The Hub steps laughing...talking... living.
God is in the canvas picture and reflects the image in my mind I have always had of Him; long white robe with wavy long hair and a beard. Aside from his white robe He could pass for any student though. He is in a laid back stance against a wall a few feet away from The Hub stairs. Like any other student, God has on sik, dark sunglasses and appears to be engrossed in His Black Berry. YES in my imagination God has a Blackberry and -WOOT!!- God has on sik, dark sunglasses too! (CONFESSION: Never, ever, ever used the word SIK in this context!)
The second canvas it is obvious I have already maneuvered my way through The Hub action and walked passed God. My image is captured from my back side. My shoulders are noticeably tense because my schools books are tightly pressed up against my chest. God is still in the same stance, but the picture shows his eyes have peeked over the top of his sunglasses in my direction. This image is serene and sweet.
The third canvas captures me as I look over my shoulder at God with my eyebrows raised and a subtle smile on my face. A caption might read, “God, ya comin?".
The fourth canvas looks as though it has captured God in a sweet little skip. God skips too!!! A caption might read, "I thought you would never ask.”
The final canvas shows God with His arm over my shoulder as we walk into the distance.
In the beginning, I did not mean to forget God. It just happened. What’s that saying, Old habits die hard? Plus I had that breathing thing that kept me busy. To consider or do anything else became much too overwhelming. God knew. God understood. He still showed up and hung around to wait for my random invites. In time, I began to trust Him. Then I slowly became more willing, and as I became more willing I realized anything is possible…faith.
It is through my faith I have come to believe I created room within my being for a natural shift in my thinking to take place. My priorities gradually changed as have so many other parts of my life. And for the intimate few who are aware of my past three years and health challenges, I say, “No, my health has not become perfect over night and my head did not instantaneously become inundated with answers to a lifetime of questions. For the wise aleck too, (giggles), “No, I did not have an urge to call Obama to discuss the world’s problems, because I now have the answers.” God’s presence in my thoughts was simply the beginning because faith without works is dead.
Did I mention God speaks to me? He does, and I get such a kick out of it. He is never intrusive or controlling, simply living in me like a breeze on a windy day…eventually becoming a whisper in my ear when I am in need of guidance or an answer to a lingering question. I know the Bible tells us “You’ll never walk alone.” The words have always been comforting to see, but to FEEL the sense of these words has taken me to an entirely different aspect of understanding. It is an awe-inspiring experience.
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