Getting Rid of the Crazy Lady

5 years ago

I've been lost for a long time. So lost I don't even know where I'm going anymore. I do know I want outta here!!! Out of poverty and dispare. Out of the constent pain. I just can't take it anymore! My life is full- a husband, 5 kids, my mom and brother. But something is missing. I know it can't just be money, although money plays a big part. It's hard telling my kids no all the time. And thats all I've been able to say for the past 18 yrs. 18 yrs on food stamps. Can you imagine? I HATE IT!!! Everything about it! I hate not working-I hate the way I look-I hate where I live. And mostly I HATE myself for not knowing how to fix it. I really want to but I just don't know how. I've tried so hard to prove I could do everything on my own, now I feel too old to ask for help. Anyway, who can help me? I have NO friends. None at all! My mom and siblings have their own lives with their own problems.

The worst part is that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a smart, able-body 34yr old woman. WHY AM I STUCK HERE? I WANT OUT!! I'm starting this blog to have someone, something, to hold me accountable for my own life. Because the truth is I have to help myself. I feel like I'm getting too old to keep living this way. It's now or never! I hope someone reads this and maybe has some advise to help me on my journey. So, here it goes. 

First thing: Insomnia- A problem I've had since I was a teenager, not made any better by the crazy man who broke into my home and raped me. My kids were 5 and 2 at the time. All I kept thinking was I hope he doesn't hurt them. I begged God to keep them in their bedrooms. But then I heard my babygirl,2, scream. She had fallen and cut herself on the glass from the broken door window. My heart almost stopped beating. To my suprise, the crazy man got up and ran out the door. My childrens' fear and pain had saved my life. He had almost killed me. He could have killed my kids. That was 12 yrs ago. And I'm still scared. What if someone comes in and I can't hear it? I know it's an irrational fear but I can't stop my brain from going there.

Usually I go to sleep around 2am. But when I'm feeling really crappy, like I have for the past 2 months, I'm up until 4-5am. Sometimes I'm up until the little ones get up, so I can send my son off to school and get breakfast. I feel bad when my husband is left to do everything because I'm too sleepy or depressed to get out of the bed. So insomnia is the first thing I'll work on. Maybe I'll try a sleeping aid. (eeeekk I hate pills)

So, if anyone is reading this and have any suggestions for me, please respond.

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