Get Out Of My Way!

5 years ago

This post could have be pared down to this: Title: "Slow Left-Lane Drivers Suck Ass." Text: "Word."

But somehow that wasn't enough.

In the past, if I got behind a left-lane obstructionist, I simply wished him an excruciating, medieval demise. But now that I'm without a car radio (don't ask), I have the mental space not just to hate, but to question, analyze and blame.

Most of all, I just want to understand.

If you want to know about serial killers, dead or alive, resources abound. All you have to do is flip on the Investigative Discovery channel once in a while. Before you know it, you'll be an expert on Jeffrey Dahmer's sinus problems, John Wayne Gacey's feelings about gardening, Ted Bundy's predilection for expensive shampoos.

But, I ask, what of the individual who grossly impedes the natural flow of traffic? Who foils our attempts to arrive at work three to five minutes early? Who shows no compassion for those in need of a toilet, running late to a wedding, or rushing to their mother's deathbed? Who, quite simply, won't get the fuck out of the way?

Of this individual, we know nothing.  All we get are glimpses of the top, back portion of his head. And if we do manage to pass and get a look at his face, we find him oblivious to our raised middle finger, shouts of rage, and expressions of primal contempt.

Denied the slightest acknowledgment, we can find no closure.

This is re-victimization, pure and simple.

I believe there are ways to identify these people; that they're hidden in plain sight. Blocking supermarket aisles with their carts, putting doctors behind schedule with a hundred stupid questions, sitting directly in front of us at the movies when every other seat is empty.

The clues are there. We just need to pay attention.

Here's my fantasy. The government suspends research on pesticides, global warming and potential epidemics. Attuning itself to this corrosive issue, it reallocates all funds to the apprehension of left-laners, and the extensive study of their physical and genetic makeup.

Driving in perpetual science, I've developed a theory that slow left-lane driving can be traced to medical causes. Consider this: Offenders might suffer something as simple as an imbalance of vitamin K. Or low serotonin levels, or a stray chromosome lodged behind their pituitary gland.

If we could just isolate the causal factors, the solution would be ours.

I hear wonders about yoga, fish oil supplements, biofeedback, electroshock therapy. For all we know, any one of these would do the trick.

Next time you're behind a left-laner, remember my words.

The fix could be that easy.

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