A Friendship Lost

5 years ago

How do you let a friendship die a slow painless death? It’s hard, especially when you weren’t ready for it.  

When I began dating my husband he introduced me to his two buddies and their spouses.  The six of us became a “click” and we spent many  Fridays & Saturdays together.  We vacationed together.  We celebrated births, danced at weddings, and cried at funerals.  One couple, lets call them K&B, were married when I met them. The other couple J&B were engaged.  Then there was us, we had just started to date. All at different stages, yet we found a way to appreciate one another. 

Because K&B were married, they had just had their first child, she was a SAHM and he was just starting his post college career, money was tight for them. Because we were both pursuing Masters Degree, money was tight for us, J&B were living it large back then, dual incomes & no children will do that. 

As K&B continued to grow their family, B (male) continued to move up his corporate ladder. I have no doubt that he is an excellent employee and deserves his success. 

Eventually J&B began their family and with some fertility issues they saw much of their savings depleted. Two children later and a move to another state has changed our relationship because of the distance. That left us with K&B, which was fine…I did enjoy spending time with them.

Eventually, we graduated with our degrees and both had well paying jobs. With no children and good incomes we were up for Saturday nights out and vacations.  We did our own things often, but still looked forward to our cheap group camping vacation. Vegas trips were become less frequent since those with children had child care issues and money issues.  Understandably so. 

Then came our time. We started our family. At this point K&B’s children were older and could stay up later, they had activities so finding a free Saturday was getting harder. I preferred to get together earlier so (1) the baby could get to bed and (2) I could get to bed.  This schedule swap didn’t seem to sit well with K (wife) who wanted late night outings, preferably at her house since she “has three kids” as she once told me. 

I think this is where the wedge between us began. While we were very respectful of her while her children were little, I don't feel like she gave us that same respect back.  Now instead of respecting that we have little kids (as she once did) we are expected to respect the fact that she has older kids (sports commitments) and MORE of them.

There was some political falling out between my husband and K.  While my husband has apologized three times for arguing she has yet to apologize and still denies saying what she said.  I stayed away from that debate, because frankly, while I love(d) K she was not much of a intellectual when it comes to business and politics.  What really got to me was when my daughter had her surgery.  While B mentioned on a few occasions that they would help any way that they could (I saw B more regularly because we both played co-ed soccer together), K never reached out to me. As a mother I guess I expected her to reach out to me in my time of need. When you hand over your 6 month old to a team of surgeons it is comforting to know that you have people around you who will lend a hand. I had a friend offer to bring us food to the house when we returned. She called each night to see how I was and how the baby was.  Another friend dropped off a care package.  I know that not everyone is comfortable in a hospital, but she never even came to the house while we were recovering. 

This is what I can’t forgive. I think it says a lot about how she values our friendship. It has been over a year and she has yet to see my daughter post surgery. 

We recently had a run in at our regular co-ed soccer game.  She was there with her husband. With a brief greeting from me, there was no other exchange between us, while I spoke with her husband as I normally do, but she stood there looking out into the distance until she left.  Not only did she ignore me, but she ignored our entire team. 

I left there that night angry at her. I came home and vented to my husband. As I vented I realized that the reason I was so upset was because I care.  I keep my inner circle close. I pick a few friends and keep most others at somewhat of a distance. Those who are in my “inner circle” are the ones that I’d do anything for. I have a few people in this circle and my relationship with each one is very unique.  I thought K was in that circle and the fact that I made a bad character assessment makes me angry.  I guess angry is wrong,  more like disappointed in myself for misjudging her. 

When I love, I love with all my heart – therefore I pick those who receive my love very carefully.  So at this point, it is clear to me that I must let this friendship go. So much for the dream of retirement and living side by side with a great big porch and bottle of wine. Ahh, who were we kidding? That never would have worked out anyway.  K loves her white middle class surburbs and she looks down on our life in a very diverse area right outside the city.

 I have to realize that I won’t get an apology from her for not being a good friend during the surgery (because I’m pretty sure she thinks she did nothing wrong). I will keep my thoughts to myself and keep a respectable distance.  I will be nice if we are thrown into a mutual gathering, but I won’t invite her to my home. 

I will mourn a friendship lost.


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