It's been a long time.
Stress will do that to me sometimes.
I disappear into the black hole.
I can't find a way to climb out.
Then I do.
Mom has been falling. it seems that for a weeks on end I am getting calls from the care center that she has fallen again. They have alarms on her wheel chair and on her bed, yet somehow she keeps standing and then, of course, she falls. Thankfully nothing is broken yet, but I see it happening. I pray she will understand that she cannot stand up on her own. She needs assistance. She just doesn't seem to understand and comprehend this fact. All the while I am scared she is going to break her hip, and end up in the hospital with pneumonia.
I remember growing up I would hear my mom and her friends talk about someone at church who had fallen and it was then assumed they would get pneumonia, from not moving, and die. I can't get those conversations out of my mind. I get so sad and depressed I just go into hiding mode.
I am working on not allowing this to happen to me. Wallowing in sadness and fear of the unknown does not work well for me. I am much more productive with a routine, but what routine? I'm enjoying photography and my piano lessons. My son told me I was acting like a teenager bouncing from one hobby to the next. What? I told him I've been suffocating any hobbies for going on 9 years now and I am simply looking at things I have dreamed about being able to do. Really, I haven't been able to do much of anything, on my own, since I've been taking care of mom 24/7. It's lonely. It's a bit scary stepping back into the world of life, but I am so eager to step back in.
One of the things I have been thinking a lot about is work. I would like to go back to working. Parttime. Two or three days a week, and no weekends. I do not want to go back to my career. Right now, I am not ready for a stressful, time consuming, deadline meeting job. I have been "the boss" since 1994, and I do not want to be the boss, or the director or the supervisor. I simply want to work. From the library I check out "What Color is Your Parachute' in the hope of seeing where I might go at this season of my life. I think I have found my way back onto the job road and I feel really good about it. In working through this book, I thought back to a job/career I had that I loved. I taught pre-school for 15 years, working with 2 1/2 year olds. Some were potty trained and some needed help with potty training. It didn't matter to me, I had a class full of little ones and I loved every one of them. There were 3 teachers in the room, and we all had our special gifts to bring to the group. I love children, especially little ones. I want to go back to that time.
So I am. I applied with a nanny agency and set up my profile. I applied for 10 different positions, and was a bit disappointed that only one family contacted me for an interview. However, two families contacted me from my profile. They liked me. I did a phone interview with them both, and then met them in person for a more extensive interview. Background check done. I am hired. I am a nanny. I work for one family on Mondays and Wednesdays, 8:30-4:00pm. I work for the second family two weeks a month on Fridays 8:00-4:00pm, and on-call as the mom's work calls her in. I love these children already.
The amazing thing is the hours are perfect. I can sill get out to see mom in the late afternoon, just like I do now. No weekends. The family I am with every week, the mom works from home, so if there is an emergency with my mom, she is good with my leaving. In fact, her own mother has quit her job to care for her 89 year old mother with Alzheimer's. She understands my situation completely. I feel that with the way this all worked out for me, it is path I am to be on.
Things are settling down now and I feel like I can get back to blogging. I want to be an encouragement to others in my situation and I want to blog about the truth of care taking an elderly parent with health issues. It's hard work. It consumes your life. Then it suddenly changes and you are left sitting at the bottom of the well not knowing how to climb out. I managed to climb out, and now I hope I can stay out. My care taking is not over. I still have to stay on top of mom's care at the care center and go out every day to make sure she is getting the care I expect her to have. However, there are all these hours leftover in the day that I need to create a new life for myself with. This is the part I am breaking new ground on.
I'll keep you posted . . .
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