The way I am feeling at the moment does not translate well into writing. Not because it’s not interesting or in fact, a HUGE deal, but because I can’t allow myself to think about it too much. Not long enough to write a coherent paragraph anyway.
You see, I feel fine.
I don’t know what it is – I honestly can’t put my finger on what has changed in my mindset or why I feel fine. And that is mainly because I won’t allow myself to.
Right now I’m not only making it through each day but I am making it through each day with a smile on my face.
I realise I am a walking contradiction; I am scared of thinking too deeply about WHY I feel fine, but at the same time I am worried that if I don’t address this change then it might pass me by and I might miss a piece of the jigsaw puzzle.
Maybe it’s reckless, perhaps I’m being a bit foolish but I am so enjoying things at the moment I simply don’t want to know the whys. I'm not sure I would have anything to gain by thinking about things and trying to create order or make sense of how I feel.
What I do have to gain is my new-found ability to live in the second with a clear head, and the ability to function without feeling like I am struggling against the tide.
I am spending more and more time with Boo, and the more I am with her the more I want to be with her. I am discovering what an amazing little person she is. All I want to do is cuddle her and kiss her and make her shriek with laughter. I used to count the minutes until bedtime, wishing the day away, breathing a huge sigh of relief as soon as I could ask the husband to put her to bed, because then I was free.
Now I hate bedtime. I miss Boo. One of my favourite things we do is when we snuggle together at the end of the day; her hair still damp from the bath, her cheeks pink, her long eyelashes fluttering as she tries to stay awake for just a minute longer, cosy in her pyjamas while I give her a bottle. I never want to put her to bed.
Can you see why I don’t want to rock the boat?
If this gets snatched from me all over again I can’t help but think it is going to be so much worse. I have much more to lose this time around.
I love her. I really, really love her. I don’t care whether I deserve to, or whether I am good enough or whether she likes me. I just love her.
Boo and Me x
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