Food Fight

5 years ago

I confess to playing around lately - with my food, that is.  I'm flirting flagrantly with a macrobiotic diet.

MACROBIOTIC.  Ahem. We all know that “macro” means “large” and “bios” refers to “life.”

But is eating macrobiotic foods actually “living large?”

The macrobiotic diet consists of WHOLE grains, RAW vegetables and UNADULTERATED fruits, legumes (whatever they are), and lots of FRESH green plant leaves.  Absolutely NO processed foods.  NO additives.  NO preservatives.  NO artificial colors. NO butter. NO sugar.  What, NO sugar?

NO kidding!  NO double chocolate fudge cream frosting from the can. NO Swedish fish. We're talking RAW stuff like crab grass and dandelions - NOT like uncooked cookie dough.  NO means NO, baby.  NO, NO, NO!

Only ALL natural virginal foods. Pure, HEALTHY eats. Will work for food, but this is hard labor!

There are apparently health benefits galore to the macrobiotic devotee, but is this "Food for the Gods" good for the soul?  Suppose it makes you PMS cranky?

For someone who was weaned on Twinkies, Spaghetti-O’s, Dots, and Root Beer Fizzies (don't you just love 'em?) it is indeed an adjustment to “healthy” food.

SUGAR.  Can’t live with it. Can’t live without it.  I love it brown. I love it white. I love it in cubes. I love it as a liquid, gas, and solid. Maple sugar candy is like crack cocaine to this sweet toothed junkie. My hyperactive pancreas craves it.

Yum. Bulgar wheat and green lentils. Really tasty if you relish a bowlful of sticks and stones. (A little hollandaise sauce would do wonders...)

WHEATGRASS.  Really, now - should grass be a liquid? And be served in a methadone maintenance cup? Some brave souls down it like vodka shots, but I'll bet astroturf is tastier.

Hmm. Need I remind you what happens to your poor dog when he’s foolhardy enough to eat grass in the back yard?

The grass is always greener in Fido’s food bowl – and she gets kibbles and gravy. Lucky bitch.

SPELT.  Never heard of “spelt?” You are not alone.  (But you will be when that stuff kicks in and you’re frantic for a restroom.) People who eat spelt regularly (Ha, Ha, don't excuse the pun) are, no doubt, svelte as a cheese cutting board. The phrase, “Whoever spelt it, dealt it” will unfortunately come to mind when you load up on this culinary treat.

SEAWEED.  Of many unappetizing colors (many a shade of gray) such as inkjet black, the texture of shredded cellophane or alien planet packing material.

Where’s the weed killer and DDT when you really need it?

With a wheat grass pickle relish, I can make my own bug spray.





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