The Five Levels of Homework Hell

4 years ago

I am pretty sure when Dante’s Inferno was written in the 14th century he was looking into the future and referencing homework hell. There is nothing divine or comedic about undertaking the challenge of homework. Here is just a sampling of the fun that awaits you once your child passes this milestone of scholastic hell, and for those of you that have lived through it…please tell me there is hope.

  1. Science Fair Project – What do you want to do for science fair? Uh I don’t know how about something about the Civil War? Uh…yes see that is history we are looking for science you know tad poles, sun’s rays, photo cells, etc. Sure…so what do you want to do for science fair? Um…something about Abraham Lincoln. (face palm, exasperated sigh, jaw clenching moment)
  2. Reading Comprehension – I painfully sit through the sounding out of words that I just want to scream “it’s dancer!” but don’t and listen as my child tries to guess the word without actually sounding it out phonetically, Dirt! Dark! Donkey! (Dear lord shoot me now, please.)
  3. Book Reports – Most of these are pretty easy, but there are always the few that leave me thinking seriously you actually think the kid is doing this? The beloved diorama that required the shoebox be covered completely in construction paper, a scene recreated, the story written out and glued onto one side while main characters were listed on another side. Just go ahead and hand me the shit cause the chance of this even remotely being done by a 7 year old is slim to none. And don’t get me going on the coat hanger story where the story is told written on clouds that my child was to cut out, then hole punch, and hang in a cascading waterfall effect. (Go ahead and just give me a beer – actually make that 2 beers cause we are gonna be here a bit).
  4. Spelling sentences – Every week we are tortured with spelling lists that require sentences to demonstrate the understanding of the word. Here is tonight’s sampling of sentences and what prompted this whole post BTW (I underlined the word he should be learning). Of course none of these are legible, have correct punctuation or capitalization, but they are done and I haven’t hurt him yet…full steam ahead.
    • The word green is not the same as greed. (Well duh)
    • Behind the wall is a baby. (Seriously what the hell sentence is this?)
    • The teacher stinks. (Clearly my child knows how to influence others)
  5. Math Facts –I can’t forget all those times spent trying not to lose my damn mind over math. Here is a sampling of what this looked like every night. (Oh first grade, you really knew how to torture a parent.)
    • Ok 1 x 1 is????……Ummmmm..1?…Yes! (he’s a genius!)
    • How about 1 x 2? I lean in and will every ounce of my being to answer 2… I get a very tentative 2 whispered. (I’ll take it.)
    • I get cocky…1 x 3 iissss?…and my sweet little cherubic child answers …1 (are you  kidding me?!)
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