Finding My Place

3 years ago

Originally posted on my blog, Domestic Pirate.

I've never seen myself as shy.  Socially awkward?  A little.  But, somehow, I have always managed to make friends in new situations.

When I had my daughter I was the only one of my friends having kids.  We didn't stop being friends, we were all just on different paths, which made it hard to hang out and, sometimes, connect.  Where I had a million and one things to say about Cabin Girl, they were talking about their jobs, school, or other friends.  Though I had a few close friends that really did enjoy hanging out with CG and I on a regular basis, I dabbled in a few mom groups, but none of them were very welcoming and I just didn't connect with anyone.

When it came time to move across the state, to a place neither Captain or I had any connections, I was less nervous than excited.  I knew exactly which mom groups I was going to try to get in with, and I did.  I didn't make an immediate connection with anyone, but, unlike the last few playgroup attempts, I felt comfortable just being around them and Cabin Girl instantly fell in with some of the other kids.  So, we kept going back.

Eventually, I made connections.  Friends.  I realized how different, and honestly, difficult it was making friends as an adult.  We walk into a situation with our own set of opinions and experiences, looking to find connection with someone similar to us and what we believe in.  If you come on too strong, you could scare them away.  But woe unto she who doesn't put herself out there, for she may be ignored or passed over.

In the beginning I told myself it was for the sake of my daughter that I was going to these playgroups.  I can see now that they were beneficial to the both of us.  We became friends with so many different people.  We lost a few friends, too; To differences that couldn't be overlooked by either side, to behaviors that we just didn't want Cabin Girl to be around, to the general hustle and bustle of the busy life that is being a mom occupied with her child{ren}.

As time passed and we had more kids, there was no big transition to go through.  The friends I had already had one or multiple children, or were expanding their families as well.  I didn't have to explain what I was going through to anyone wondering why I had dropped off the face of the earth for 6 weeks, they all understood.  We looked out for each other, with food, childcare, mom's nights, and online chatting, during the times that motherhood became a chaotic struggle.  I became comfortable in the knowledge that my kids and I had a place.  We had friends and were, dare I say it, loved by a community to die for.

Now, here we are.  Moved again.  The possibilities are endless, for the new chapter we are finding ourselves in.

But this time is so, so different.

Something about the idea of putting myself out there, as a harried mother of 4 rather than the showered-every-day mom of 1 I used to be, is really daunting.  The fear of rejection is upon me like I have never experienced before, because it's not just me counting on finding a village; My kids need it, too.

We have family here with children the same ages as ours, so we are really looking forward to cultivating better relationships with them, but it wouldn't be fair to them to roll into town with the expectation that they fill that void.

What a void.

So today I begin writing an additional plot to the chapter we've just started.  No longer introducing myself as an organizer for a moms group, with a best friend just a text away from a lunch date and a community of awesome women ready to gather for anything.

I am Jessica.  Mother of 4.  Part time blogger.  Obsessor of pirates.

Trying to find my place.


Let's start by putting my best foot forward, shall we?

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