The Joy of Mothering
You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?
I would not erase one moment of pain from my life. I chose to walk down a path of self discovery through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer till I die. The same words I spoke to my husband, I spoke to God and to myself. I made a covenant to be faithful to a journey within, to discover my true self, hidden in Him when I was 16 years-old..
Like every other human being, I have suffered. Yet I know, without a doubt, that these years of suffering have been pivotal in forming me into the person I was called to be. At least for me, it has taken suffering before i was willing to change and let go of useless, masks and costumes. This Lent has been one where God is showing me the results of 30 years of inner transformation. I want to share my joy at becoming free this Lent.
Two weeks ago, Fr. Francis Donnelly, joined Dr. Carlos Muira and my husband to pray over me for healing and deliverance as a result of a 54 year-old connection between my paternal grandmother and myself. Father’s prayers were simple verbal prayers of the Church for forgiveness and exorcism. The formal prays were anything but dry; they were powerful, shaking me to my core. This statement appears to be ridiculous but after 21 years of therapy and two years of facing this particular bondage, I know that the results of this decision were devastating, affecting my emotions, mind, body and spirit. Symbolically I have lived in a dark cave, curled up in a foetal position, gripped by fear and isolated from God, other people and even my heart and inner spirit.
It has taken years of therapy and inner healing to finally reach a point where I am capable of letting go of this inner bondage because as a three-years old I unconsciously decided to carry my Grandmother's burdens. In other words I decided to save my deceased grandmother by suffering for her. Now life has not been all bleak. This bond was simply one dark root in me. I have innumerable rooms within me that are filled with light and joy, real concrete joy not mere happiness.
After all the prayers for forgiveness, for myself as a child, my adult self and for my deceased grandmother and aborted baby, I knew I was free. My whole body slowly relaxed and slumped over because so much foundational stuff had left. I relaxed but felt bereft. The first thought that sprang to my mind was, “Now what do I do?” All my energy had been caught up in saving my grandmother. My core purpose in life was gone. A prayer of in filling by the Holy Spirit once again left me feeling, light-hearted and bubbling with joyful laughter.
I am a bit numb, sort of like after a huge shock but just writing about this experience, I am grinning because there is nothing like deep freedom.
Why did I choose to share something so personal? I guess it is because everyone who reads my articles knows that the joy that lives within me is real and it is strong. It did not come cheap.
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