The Epic Battle: Mother Nature vs. My Bowels

4 years ago

I'm not gonna lie to you. This weather is effecting my bowels. Now before you go running for the little X up there in the right corner, I promise I'm not going to get all graphic and actually DESCRIBE what's going on with my bowels. But I am going to say this: since the beginning of this awful 'Polar Vortex' crap, my crap isn't what it used to be.

Case in point: I'm a regular girl, very regular. Like, 'every single morning at 8:30' regular.  Even on the weekends, when I sleep a little later, I'm still fairly regular. Here's how my schedule works:

  • Wake up at 6
  • Wake up kids for school
  • Continue waking up kids for school
  • Drink coffee
  • Wake them again
  • Make their lunches
  • Take water gun up to ensure they are really up
  • Watch them get on the school bus (if there is a God!)
  • Eat breakfast, check email, play on FB
  • 8:30!!! Time for poop!!!!
  • 8:35, shower and go to work

There you have it, my morning routine. But since Christmas break, things have been a little different. A week and a half off from school, which means I don't have to get up at 6 every morning. So I'd sleep in a little and eat breakfast a little later and drink my coffee a little later.

That, my friends, is a recipe for intestinal disaster. Because at 8:30, I don't  have to poop. No, I don't actually feel that little urge until around 11. But since I'm at work, there's no flipping WAY I'm going into the only bathroom we have in the building and fouling it up with the stench that is me.  So I can usually surpress that urge, but by the time I get home from work at 5:30 my bowels are angry and they mean business. God help the dog/cat/child who gets between me and the powder room. Seriously, I will cut you.


But Christmas break has come and gone. My kids had school for almost one full week before Mother Nature went ballistic and decided we all should freeze to death for complaining about all that heat and humidity last summer. The kids were off for MLK's birthday, but then we had that snowstorm that dumped almost a foot of snow on us. School was closed for the entire week. And my bowels roared. Yesterday they went back to school. And Mother Nature said "Uh-huh, no way baby. Mama ain't havin' none o'dat" (apparently Mother Nature is a streetwise ho.) At 7:00 last night we got the call: School will be closed on Tuesday because the end of the world cold is upon us. Swell.  Another day where the kids get to sleep in and poop whenever they feel like it.

You're probably saying to yourself (if you talk to yourself) 'well why doesn't she just get up at 6:00 and follow her normal routine.' Well I'll tell you, Miss Nosey-know-it-all-pants, because SLEEP. That's why. I love sleep. Who in their right mind would turn down the opportunity to get that extra hour or so of sleep? NOBODY, that's who. And if they tell you differently, they're lying liars.

So I will continue to appease Mother Nature and her psycho demands on us. If she brings on the subfreezing temps, and school is cancelled, I will continue to sleep in and get that extra hour and deal with my angry bowels (that sounds like an app that my kids play on their iPhones).  But really, lady, could you please cut us a break? At this rate, my kid will leave her Junior year August 10 and start her Senior year on August 11! It's crazy!




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