I really don't know how to start this other then to say losing my mom has been a lot like I would imagine falling off a cliff would feel. I recently checked my facebook posts from last year, and just about every post started out "please pray for my mom"--OR--"My mom is in ICU again..." And then there were all the emergency trips to Iowa.
Then my mom died. And you would think that in a small way, I would feel some peace of not having to worry about her; from wondering if she's taking her heart medications, to whether she left the water running in the kitchen faucet and if it's flooding the basement again...but seriously, I don't. What I feel now is what I imagine hitting the ground would feel like, pain followed by numbness. Even in my dreams she's ill. My mom was so sick, for so long, I can't even remember what she was like when she was healthy.
Recently I got a call that required a resume, and as queen of the "put off today what you should be doing, and tomorrow you'll still have that problem." That's me, I invented that saying! But I was excited none the less, because I knew I had a copy of my resume somewhere in my old email folders...You know, the archives...where you're suppose to stick all your crap so it doesn't clog up your INBOX, or my INBOX, which, the last time I counted (a couple of minutes ago) had 125 emails, 80 of them unread. My email box is like that TV show Hoarders, except much less exciting.
But back to my resume, I knew I had done one 3 years ago when I lost my job (before this last job loss), but it wasn't in there...not in any of the 3 archive folders I have, which, as you might suspect...are jammed.
But what I found in one of my folders was far more precious then any old resume I might have found...I found several of my mom's old emails to me, back before she got so ill, back before she got so cloudy she couldn't remember how to dial a phone, or turn on the computer. The first email she ever sent me is dated February 13, 2008 and is labeled Love you...other subjects included How much do I love you, only a mother would know, Thinking of you, I bet your asleep, To my sweetheart, Praying for you, Have not forgotten you...with the very last email she sent me, February 2, 2010, Missing you;
It is about 11:00 p.m. Have been on the phone for 1 and 1/2 hours to a lady named Sonja that I met at the animal shelter quite a few years ago. She called to let me know that a young man that worked there probably about 35 years old died today with pancreatic cancer and wondered if I remembered him. I just don't. Maybe if I saw a picture of him I might remember him. But here again is a young man or young person with pancreatic cancer. I sometimes think that a lot of this cancer is caused by a poor immune system. The younger generation has been raised on McDonalds, Burger Kings and wouldn't know a cabbage from a cauliflower. Also we have a lot more additives in everything. I agree with you also that food kept in plastic containers or water is a cause of cancer. Years ago most things were kept in glass containers. Well your dad is waiting for me. I love him so must call it a night.
Missing you with all my heart but so thank-full for the time we had. My how it flew.
Love and kisses,
If I had won the Powerball I wouldn't have been more excited. I didn't know I had saved these, it's like the back of my closet, I don't even remember the last time I checked there. It was like getting my mom back again, even if it was only in a few emails. It was like getting an email from Heaven.
But the best part came last night, I had that dream about my mom again...I've yet to have a dream where she is healthy, the way she use to be ...No, this is the same one over and over where she is lying in bed, hooked up to a million and one tubes and such, but this time I wasn't sad, instead I reached over and said "Mom! I'm so glad to see you again, I love you!" As I was giving her a hug, I woke up. And now I have some peace.
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