Either These Glasses Or My Face Is Crooked

9 years ago

I got these prescription sunglasses a few weeks ago and think they may have saved my sanity. I bought them because I wear contact lenses on the weekends and glasses during the week. I wear glasses during the week because I am on a computer all day and only need them to commute.

Most but not all, weekend mornings start out on an extremely stressful note because even after twelve years, I still have a hard time putting in my contacts. Yes, after more than twelve years of wearing contact lenses, I still struggle to put them in. I get pissed off even saying that, as it is so totally unthinkable that someone can not master a skill after twelve years of trying. I don't know what it is, I just have a hard time putting things near my eyes much less in my eyes.

Those people that can just open their eye and pop that sucker right in, completely dumbfound me. I just can not do it. I have to lift up my eyelid, put the contact in and then hold it there while I lift my eyelid up and over my eye and then finally let it down and pray to god that the contact is still in there and did not come out when my eyelid came down. It is not unusual for me to have to repeat this process five, six, sometimes seven times in an attempt to get just one eye in, we are talking about a 15 minute process here people. How can you not have palpitations after that kind of stress?

So every Sunday we go out to a diner for breakfast. And every Sunday morning, I usually have a total conniption in the bathroom while Drew and the girls are waiting for me downstairs halfway out the door to the car, with forks and knives in their hands, and syrup dripping off their lips.

A typical morning is me saying, "ok guys, please leave me alone for a few minutes as I am going to put in my contacts." Drew repeats "girls, stay away from Mom, she is putting in her contacts", major emphasis on CONTACTS, like they know just what to expect next. I can just see him downstairs making the crazy sign, that thing that people do when they twirl their fingers around their heads. They have to wait downstairs as I usually can't have any movement on the same floor as me while I am attempting the impossible. God forbid the girls start fighting during this process, I absolutely freak out. I start shaking and it takes me at least three more reps before I get the freaking contacts in.

My routine consists of first dousing the contacts with saline, rubbing one around and then lifting it up to the light to make sure there is not one single solitary hair on it that could possible derail the whole process. When this happens and I actually had successfully put the contact in, I just about have a heart attack knowing that I now have to take it out and start the process over because the offending speck was irritating my eye.

Depending on the amount of unsuccessful attempts I have made so far, I then proceed to scream out from the bathroom as loud as I can to Drew, "seriously, do you have any idea the hell I have to endure JUST to be able to see all day and not have to wear my annoying glasses? Do you? DREWWWW, do you hear me? Do you have any idea the hell that I am going through up here in this bathroom?"

On some morning's when I am particularly demented, I have to pull my lower eye down so many times, there are dark red circles and wrinkles under them when I am done. It's like I have just pulled and irritated the one area of my face that I work so hard on, to keep wrinkle free. This torture that I unleash on that part of my face completely negates my efforts to keep these wrinkles at bay. IT JUST KILLS ME.

Drew, sick of this weekend morning ritual that I have going on, got really mad at me one day, so I decided that getting prescription sunglasses would be a wise move and would save us from having at least one fight. So now we wake up and I can literally roll right out of bed and join my family in the car without any stress.

The only downside to this great pair of prescription sunglasses that I paid almost five hundred dollars for, is that they are crooked and one eyebrow peeks out while the other is completely hidden away. Five hundred dollars spent to solve one problem and now I have another.

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