Today is Earth Day and I have absolutely no idea what to write about.
I know I should talk about saving the Earth, blah blah blah, but I don't know what to say except the following:
Don't be a d-bag and litter
and then recycle again.
I need you peeps to recycle. Got it?
And that's where I am on Earth Day. So I've decided to expand my take on Earth Day and talk about being green.
I figured I would talk about the first thing that comes to mind when I think of green. It's Kermit the Frog, of course.
Then I wasn't sure what I would say about Kermit other than he's a sexy beast who looks good with or without clothing.
It's a feat few attain, yet Kermit is the epitome of nudity. Can any of his fellow Muppets pull off the totally nude look? Of course not.
Okay, so maybe Rowlf the Dog is naked, but he always has that piano at waist level, which tells me he's insecure about something. I suspect I know what it is...
He's not neutered, of course. Geez. You guys are such pervs.
<insert public service message about spaying/neutering your animals or I will cut your balls off.>
Where is this post going? Good question.
If you're still reading and haven't gone to PBS to watch Sesame Street, then I will tell you where this post is headed.
To the gutter. Or actually, to the streets. Follow my logic.
For some reason, in thinking about Kermit, I began to wonder if Kermit was a lover or a fighter. He always pushes away Miss Piggy's advances, which suggests he may be a fighter.
Which begs the question: Who would win if Kermit got into a fight with Elmo?
I'm not talking about one of those "You took the last fruit roll-up so I'm going to kick you in the shins and run away" fights. I'm talking about a true fight. With biting and crap. Who would win?
That frisky frog is one good looking dude, but is he scrappy? He seems like such a nice guy, and he does let Miss Piggy walk all over him.
Okay, she doesn't literally walk all over him, as that would most certainly crush his rib cage...unless he's into that sort of thing.
Wait, a frog doesn't have ribs. Plus for Kermie!
But what about his physical prowess? He has scrawny arms, but is he strong? Does he work his core, or only his glamour muscles?
He might be an underrated opponent just because of his size, yet he could bench press like a sonofabi*&%.
I've seen it done. Not by an amphibian, but by scrawny guys at the gym whose moms drop them off after swim practice.
But then there's Elmo. I don't know what species he is, other than a creeper who talks like a child despite the fact he frequently wears suits.
I think he's supposed to be a monster of some sort, but I don't know any monsters who giggle like school girls.
Come to think of it, maybe he's neutered, and that's why he has such a high-pitched voice.
That could be a point in his corner for overpowering Kermit, as he wouldn't have his manly monster parts to get in the way of a smackdown.
Instead of making you read my word vomit, which is clearly what this post is, I've decided to make a tally of things each opponent has going for and against him.
- No ribs, so he's harder to injure
- Sticky tongue to trap victims
- Has a fat girlfriend to fight his battles
- No genitals, so a kick in the balls does nothing
- He looks like a biter
- Has no friends, which suggests he's crazy and has nothing to lose.
- Hibernates for winter, which demonstrates he’s a wuss.
- Needs to keep skin wet to stay alive (I’m not sure how this affects his felt skin)
- Has sworn enemies that could assist opponent in battle, like snakes and fish
- Can't grasp the basic concept of the first person, which shows he's stupid.
- Has furry red skin that could easily be pulled like hair.
- He's tickelish. He's fricking tickelish, people!
So there you have it: my thoughts on the pros and cons of who would win in a fight on Sesame Street. I'm not sure, and I suppose I will leave it up to you to decide who would prevail in this matchup of Muppets.
Let me know your thoughts, and if I can figure out how to do a little chart of answers, I will. And by "I" I mean if someone else can figure that out. We all know I can't figure that out. If I could, I would have done it already.
So let me know who you think would win, and your thoughts on why. This is a very important topic, especially on Earth Day.
Lisa Newlin Embarrassing myself so you don't have to. You're welcome. http://lisanewlin.com
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