I do this thing...
Okay, so maybe it's a couple of things, but I digress. When I am in a new situation, you know, meeting new people, or something unfamiliar, I sort of freeze. Not physically, my body moves and flows, but my brain? It just shuts down. It goes into this mode that I can only describe as "The Stupid".
It might sound harsh, but I get overwhelmed in new situations. Some might say it's social anxiety, and I say it's just a culprit of being raised by parents who were religious perfectionists. I crave the need to be accepted, to walk away feeling as though I was not judged or even, perhaps that someone may have accepted me. It's kind of a sickness, I suppose. Yet, at the core of it, I just don't want people to think I am stupid.
Which is where this inherent flaw becomes somewhat humorous.
When I am nervous, I do quirky things. I purse my lips, I pretend I am bored, but I am really trying to think of something so intelligent to say that the people in my presence will be awed and silently wish they were as witty, or as smart as I am. In my fantasy/head, I find something amazing, something articulate, and always, ALWAYS something clever, cute and funny.
Yet, for some reason, when the time comes to speak up, I say something incredibly dumb. Or random. Or I stumble over the line of the joke that was oh so hilarious in my head. Or I laugh, and sneeze at the same time. Or I make a weird sound, that I think I meant to be a giggle, but sounds more like a snort. I am, at the very best, awkward in first meetings.
Oh, well, if we're being honest, I'm awkward at the best of times.
So here it is, this is my very first post with BlogHer. As I scanned my brain for ideas on what to write about, of course, cursing myself for lack of creativity, my nervousness became my focus. I tried to shut her down, but she's persistent. Especially when I am really excited about the encounter I'm currently experiencing.
I've thought many times about coming to these parts of the internets, and becoming a member. I am always envious of the conferences, the social networking, the connectedness. I want to be a part of that. I mean, who wouldn't? A brilliant bunch of women (and sometimes men) joining together through words, sharing their experiences? Sign me up!
I'm probably not as intelligent as some of the bloggers in here, and my life is not nearly as excited and well rounded some of the rest of you, but just know this:
I am thoroughly excited to be a part of something that encourages me to stretch myself as a writer, that will connect me with others who feel as passionate about my causes, and of course, writing.
If we were meeting in person, I wouldn't be this articulate, I assure you. Consider this giggle from yours truly as I wonder if even one person will even read this post.
But, really, it's so great to be here.
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