The Mad Housewife and Mad Merlot Mama blog at Desperately Seeking Coffee @ http://javainmyveins.blogspot.com/
Not to be rude, but Housewife and I have noticed a rather large gap between a lot of the bloggers out there and us. Namely, we’re a bit more vulgar and crude, and we swear a lot. I’m here to explore those differences, and to explain why we actually represent a large portion of American Mothers out there.
WE SWEAR A LOT.
Housewife swears because she was a Marine, is married to a Marine, and lives on base. I swear because it was forbidden to growing up, and now I can. Furthermore, sometimes a well placed "fuck" helps drive a point home. When we’re angry, our cursing becomes more evident and colorful. Most people only think of the insults they’d like to hurl at the stupid SOB who cut them off. We actually do it. You might call it being polite, we call it karma.
WE ARE UNAPOLOGETICALLY CHEAP.
Some women brag about the $300 Coach bag they bought. We think it’s stupid. No, that is not borne out of jealousy; we truly think you’re a moron if you paid $300 for a stupid purse. We never pay retail, unless it’s a special occasion. We shop the sales, use coupons, troll Craigslist for deals, and scour eBay. Yet, notice how we always seem to look fabulous and put together? Nor do we do this because of the recession, no ma’am! We’ve been doing this since we were teenagers and we will pass this frugality onto our children. We will not bemoan that our house is in foreclosure, and we’re $50,000 in credit card debt while we’re wearing $200 jeans clutching a $300 purse.
WE WILL NOT HESITATE TO SMACK THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF OUR CHILDREN.
Nothing irritates us more than seeing a disobedient, disrespectful child and their long-suffering mother. Look, girls. If your child isn’t obeying you and calling you a stupid slut, you fucked up. Maybe if you had told your precious snowflake “NO” a bit more often, and laid your hand to their ass, you wouldn’t have this issue. Our daughters are a year apart. And yet we both regularly receive compliments on how well mannered they are. Why is this? Because we put the fear of God into them early, and they both know damn good and well if you act like a heathen, you will be meeting the palm of my hand. (And no, we don’t beat them for every little thing, so put the damn phone down already.)
WE FREELY ADMIT TO BEING LAZY SOMETIMES.
Use Sponge Bob as a babysitter? Check. Using treats as a bribe? Check. Cereal for dinner? Why not. Difference is, we don’t say, “Last night I made hummus with organic carrots, we ate a lovely filet-mignon with braised onions, and for dessert we had crème bruleé,” when in reality we hit the drive through because we were exhausted. We don’t claim to not let our children watch TV, we freely admit to it. Hey, say what you will, but there’s something to be said of your child staring intently at a screen for 30 minutes so you can crap in peace. I have been known to bribe my child with a gummy worm so she will sit still so I can comb her hair at 8 AM.
WE LIE UNABASHEDLY TO OUR CHILDREN. WE HAVE NO SHAME.
“If you move, your legs will fall OFF.” “If you have sex before marriage, you WILL get pregnant, his deck WILL fall off, and I WILL kill you.” You shake your head in scorn, but we know. It works.
Love, Mad Housewife & Mad Merlot Mama
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