A question I ask myself every day. I know the fact Jesus loves me, I know I am saved by his grace. I am thankful. Sometimes I sit here wonder where I belong, I wonder why my parents made me feel like the outsider of my family, why they treat me like the black sheep of the family. My younger sister send me photo's of her with the family. I never felt part of anything, had very few friends. Some days I feel so lonely, some days I fall apart. I carry a heavy load on my shoulders, my mind spins like a spinning wheel that never stops. It always has been so hard for me and it seems I can never do anything to get my family approval no matter how hard I try. Sure I made some mistakes just like anybody does. I have never said I was perfect. I even question God, "Why was I ever born? I be fifty two years old on November 5Th, I never had a birthday party growing up, it was never a special day for me, Heck, I don't even remember ever receiving birthday gifts. I do however, my parents making my other siblings birthday their special day. I never been in trouble, never drank except one glass of champagne on my wedding day. My dad always left me know how special his other children were to him, how I was a big burden, even remember him calling me names but that is okay, I gotten use to it, I learn to live excepting the fact hearing I was a failure and I never mount to nothing.
I tell myself I am a good person, I attend church, I pray and talk to God all through the day. There are days I feel I am cursed. I always have taken care of myself and ask for nothing, made my own meals, dropped out of school to take care of my dad because he came down ill, watched how the other children had the opportunity to continue their education, make something out of themselves. I laugh because all the money I took out of my check, set inside in a savings account my dad with-drawl all my savings. At the end when he died he left me nothing. Everything went to my other siblings. I guess I excepted that they were more special then I was. Sometimes I wish my mom and dad could love me just as much as he loved my siblings. I felt like I was Cinderella, never got my prince though. As I sit here typing this down, it sure does hurt, I hold back the tears because remembering dad saying only babies cry. I don't know who I am, or sometimes wonder where I come from. I feel nobody understands the pain I bare, the hurt, the shame, the guilt I carry. Just before my dad came down ill, I thought he be proud that I was pregnant, carrying his grandson, nope; his words to me was you're getting an abortion. That didn't happen, my dad died two weeks later. I feel my dreams are hopeless, they were crushed.
I faithfully call my sister every night after nine, she tells me how fun she had with the family, how she won a large sum of money. I pretend it don't bother me, I tell her I am happy for her and the family. One night I called she said mom don't even remember she has a daughter name Liz, sis, she don't even believe you ever existed, I excepted that, I still love my mom, even if she don't know me or except me. I keep telling myself it is okay, I came to a point in my life I don't even care anymore. Sis, telling me on the phone how she bought a family member a car, boasting about it, I said that is nice. Here I sold my car to help raise the money up make a family member wish come true, so now I am out of a car but again; tell myself I'll get one so I am thinking about selling my wedding set, gold necklaces to buy myself a small decent car. When I try to speak to my sister about my frustrations she says sis go to bed, you need some sleep so I hold them inside and tell myself what I have to say is not important. I write it down how I am feeling, may I say, it sure does hurt, I shed so many tears. When I cry though I try not to let anybody see me cry, I fall on my knees and pray, sometimes I do feel God does nor hear my prayers, I know He is so busy and right now, He has so many prayers being lifted up so that is okay; if say my prayers don't get through for I am use to it.
But you know what I get so tired me always doing the sacrificing, tired sacrificing my items because I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to be self centered, so I help people. I am so tired helping and helping and helping and when I am need of help or support or even encouragement, they bail out or say I am busy. I always say to myself it is better to give than receive. I already prepared myself not to receive a birthday card. I had to get this out of my system. I guess my family is right, I am a nobody. I don't know how anymore to try to be part of the family or what more I can do to get mom's approval so I give up, and take whatever comes my way as a grant of salt. I tired of all the broken promises,. There are days I just want to run so far away, change my name, start my life over, I know that will never happen. Today I got my bike out to take a ride, I rode my bike for four hours to anywhere and everwhere. I didn't want to come back, if I had the strength I would of just kept on riding, only thing is I nowhere to go, so I turned around and came home, fell asleep on my couch, slept for a few hours. I thought myself, the hay with it all. It may take me years but I am saving all the change I get, putting it in a can, I am determine to buy me the car of my dreams. Volkswagen automatic. I said I don't need my family to help me I'll do it. I am tired so tired of being the center of someones jokes, tired being put down because I live on a fix income, can't afford nice clothes for church. People in church don't even want to talk to me because I am not Richy, rich, or dress in the finest clothes or drive the finest car. I may be poor here on earth, in Heaven I am heavenly rich. So I'll ask again; do you ever wonder where you belong? Being rejected, always feeeling unwanted, feeling like a burden to my parents, growing up, cheated, robbed from my childhood years, yea, I ask myself that question every day, "Where do I belong? Between the years from 6 years old to 13 years old, I grew up seeing so much violence in my home around me and to me, talking about childhood trauma I saw it all. The hospital became my second home it seem. I was more in the hospital from some kind of injury or illness than I had a chance being a normal little girl. That is life, right? I gotten so use to broken promises, anybody makes me a promise and breaks it, it don't even fade me anymore. I been through it all, I started feeling so numb. One thing I feel I can do something right, feel that nobody can not take from me, my story of a child that nobody wanted. The first time I watched Liz Murray, she was telling her story about how her life was like living with drug parents. As I was listening to her story, it hit home and opened many wounds of my childhood years, I broke down in tears. Her story had a great impact in my life that gave the encouragement to open up and share my story. Maybe my story will never get publish or become a book or movie but at least me writing my story, opening up and sharing to many is a way for me to start healing, and therapy. We are Adult children who are learning to heal and finally opening up, want our voices to be heard!
What is greater than God, worse than the devil, the dead eat it, and if the living eat it, they die.
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