3 years ago

deardoug, Today was the perfect day, warm, sunny day. Started with a tasty cup of coffee while watching the teenage bluejays gobble up all the seed at the feeders; three times I refilled them. Then a walk in the woods with the horses and dogs. Time spent with a friend looking for her first horse.  Some greasy fries and a hot dog at a little place that hasn't changed in 15 years. A call to my Son to wish him a good trip, his first vacation in 7 years. Then home, horses fed and everyone bedded down.  I sit down and put my feet up, thinking maybe, just maybe today I won't think of you, won't miss or ache for you.  But I am wrong, after 8 weeks you would think it would start to get better but I close the door at the end of the day and all I see is your face.  I wish I could talk to you, see you, touch you and kiss you.  My heart aches.  I should be so angry and I am angry with you but even with everything that has happened over the last few years, I can't think of being without you.  My grief is so complete, the pain so real I just don't know what to do or how to proceed.  I have decided to take the next year to discover what went wrong. As you know I just turned 57; I don't feel like I have baggage, more like questions, questions and a desire to find the answers.  These answers can only come from me. Since I can't see you I decided to write you a letter everyday for a year and since 8 weeks hasn't been enough, maybe 365 days will be enough.  Because as wonderful as today was, it was missing you.  I closed my door and lonliness followed me.  The ache in my chest returned and the tears began to flow.  I miss you and love everyday.  Because our phone conversations have gone so wrong lately, I texted you an olive branch, apologized for my part and haven't heard from you since.  I am writing this all down because I don't want to hold it in anymore.  Maybe if I write it down it will help.  So one day down, 364 to go.  Looking forward to feeling better, one day. I love you, good night. 

This is an article written by one of the incredible members of the SheKnows Community. The SheKnows editorial team has not edited, vetted or endorsed the content of this post. Want to join our amazing community and share your own story? Sign up here.

More from living

by Kimberly Peta Dewhirst
| 4 days ago
by Lynne Curry
| 7 days ago
by Lynne Curry
| 8 days ago
by Kimberly Peta Dewhirst
| 11 days ago
by Hannah Hickok
| 14 days ago
by Kate Crocco
| 16 days ago