How are things going down there? I hope all is well and you're not doing anything you shouldn't be...I mean, I always find out a little too late. Remember that time you decided your job wasn't done for 4 months and I ended up having to see a gynecologist who was also a closet sadist, have a colposcopy with a speculum the size of a telephone pole and then have a chemical D&C every month for 3 months?
You remember that sweetie?
Okay. Well, I am here to give you an offer I hope you can't refuse.
You and I have had this love/hate relationship for the past 40 years and that's a LONG time. Don't you think so? I mean it's a long time in human time and I don't even have any idea how long that is in uterus time - 280 years or something?
Aren't you tired? Doesn't some time at a cute little retirement village sound good to you? We can get you into someplace in Boca I am sure. Think of it. New friends, mah jongg every day, shopping, Disney if you're a good girl. Hell, even I'd take that. Plus...get this, no cramps!
Almost too good to be true huh?
Please think about it. I hate to have to be cliche but everyone I know is going through menopause except me. I am chugging along like a 21 year old and let's face it, you and I aren't in our salad days anymore. We've done what we were meant to do, you and me. We had a baby; we had annual checkups that, take it from me honey, weren't a walk in the park...but I did it for you! Come on, for the last 40 years it's been ALL about you.
So we're coming up on our anniversary. Remember that Father's Day when you decided to cut loose in church when I was 11? I remember it in every excruciating detail including my mother telling me "You're a woman now" (which mortified my 11 year old self by the way) all the way to my blood soaked dress that I KNOW everyone saw as we left church.
Okay yeah, at the time I misunderstood a little and thought I'd bleed every day for the rest of my life but that was just the innocence of childhood. I didn't mean it and I eventually figured out after 7 long, crampy days that I was wrong.
So come on. Go into retirement gracefully. As George Costanza infamously said, go out while you're on top! Don't make me have to have you removed and thrown on the top of a heap of old, used up uteruses (uteri)? Don't force me to have you burned and seared to just STOP. Don't.
I'm willing to part amicably. You get to keep your apartment in my pelvis and do whatever you want down in Boca.
Just let's end as friends. Nothing against you, you've been the best (well, except for that colposcopy thing but I'm over that and really, it's not you, it's me. Really.
Think it over and get back to me. As always, I'll be here waiting. Like I always do.
Hug hug, kiss kiss.
P.S. After 40 years of devoted service I am pretty sure we can even arrange a pension and a gold watch if you're interested.
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