Dear Bill Collector

Yes, I’ve started writing little notes to  bill collectors when I post my checks. 

Dear Mrs. Sallie Mae,

I’m almost finished paying you…yes I am….started off at 10K and now we’re at the last $1400.  I’ll be so glad when I’m done with you.  You served your purpose but damn you’ve been around too long!  Your friend the IRS coulda helped out by letting me deduct you but no…there are technicalities…Anyhow, when I  finish with you, I’m going to smear my brightest red lipstick on my lips and smooch all over the envelope when I seal it.   There’s a bottle of champagne somebody gave me in the fridge and even though I don’t really drink but on New Year’s Eve, I’ll be cracking the bubbly open for this achievement..  Hell, I might even throw a party.

Dear Credit Card with the small balance:
You’ll be paid off by June (if all goes according to plan).  From then on, I will only use you to take advantage of a great fare to go see my family or to register for a conference.  And I will pay that charge off before putting another one on you.  Yes I will.  Yes... I...will!

Dear One that Got Away from me (also known as Chickee-poo because of the sister-gurl rep who jumped sassy with me one time):

Well, you’ll be around for a while so let’s try and be cool/cordial.   I’ll be sending you a bit more each month once I finish with your gurl Sallie Mae.  Save your breath, nothing you can do can make me done with you until I’m done

Rest assured; if I hit the lottery with one of the tickets I’m buying instead of having a donut at Dunkin Donuts, you’ll be the first who will hear from me.  Until then, consistently paying more than the minimum  is how I’ll get you squared away.  (I've read Suze Orman's books and advice column in O.)

I don’t even take you out any more.  You’re tucked so far away I would forget you existed, except for those reminders you send each and every month.

Whazz up Mr. I.R.S.?
Looks like I’ll be hanging out with you again.

Oh, well, been there…done that.  At least having to pay you means that I’m still alive and kicking.  Which means all things are possible including paying off these few bills. 

It sure would be nice to exhale.


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