As the days go by, my sadness seems to go deeper. Yesterday I was at a gathering where there were a few people who I had not met before. As we sat around the table, the conversation turned to children and grandchildren. A woman asked my sister how many children she had. Before the woman could turn her attention to me and ask me the same question, I quickly got up from the table. I mumbled something about having to make a phone call and left the room. I have anticipated someone asking me this question. Do I say that I have two children? Do I say I have a daughter and son and a son who recently passed away? I worry if I answer it that way, I would then have to answer questions about my son's illness. It is still hard for me to talk about Joe without tearing up.
As the days go by, my my sadness seems to go deeper. Today I saw that my daughter-in-law had tweeted that she was having a hard day because Sunday's were particularly lonely. I wonder what I can say to offer her comfort. Saying that I am thinking of her or that my heart aches for her seems so inadequate.
As the days go by, my sadness seems to go deeper. I was looking for a knitting pattern in my closet and came across a photo of my son. It took my breath away. I am still shocked and confused about why he is no longer here.
As the days go, by my sadness seems to go deeper. The weather has been warm. I look out of my window and the sun beckons me to the outdoors. I fight my impulse to stay in my bedroom with the shades drawn.
As the days go by, my phone rings. I hear my daughter's voice. She tells me about the silly things my grandson says. It makes me laugh out loud. She tells me about the shopping trip that she and Bella went on to pick out a dress for the Candy Land Dance. I picture Bella trying on every dress and picking out the one that has the most twirl in it and I smile.
As the days go by I stand at the podium with my knees shaking as I give the eulogy for my Uncle. I spot my daughter-in-law in the back of the church. She is holding Domani. When he hears my voice he smiles and I am no longer nervous.
As the days go by I hug my youngest son and tell him that things will work out. We cry and say "I love you".
As the days go by Ross holds me and comforts me.
As the days go by so does life go on.
Here is today's entry from Anna's diary:
Mon. March 11 2012
Home. Drove to Belleville in afternoon with Junior to see if Helen came home. Not there, but saw Celie from Boston. After supper went to Mt. Prospect with Rosalie to see "Fazil".
Fazil was a silent film starring Charles Farrell, Greta Nissen and John Boles.
"An Arab prince born and raised in the desert and a beautiful Frenchwoman from Paris fall in love and marry, but the tremendous differences in their backgrounds and the cultural differences between their two different societies put strains on their marriage that may well prove irreparable."
Click here to see the post where I introduced Anna's Diary.
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