Today is a big day for me. It’s my two year blog-iversary. Two years ago today, I was sitting in my living room in an awful apartment writing about my wretched first (and ONLY) date with the clingiest boy I’ve ever met. I had lunch with a good friend, and she pretty much told me that I needed to start writing this stuff down. “Some day you’ll write a book,” she said. “And I’ll be the first to buy it, and you can sign it.” As it stands, that’s absolutely the plan. I am going to write a book, and I am going to sign it for anyone who wants me to.
Credit Image: Electropod on Flickr
Since then, I’ve had many entertaining stories to tell. I haven’t blogged them all. I would like to share a few highlights and some RED FLAGS!! with you on this day, to commemorate my two-year blogiversary.
For those who weren’t around at the beginning, I think RED FLAG is pretty self-explanatory, but at the same time, I don’t want confusion. These are the things that pop up right away and tell me to bail. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don’t. Normally, the longer I ignore the RED FLAG feeling, the funnier the story is, ha ha ... but at the same time ... well … just read.
I took a brief hiatus from online dating for a while, and decided to work on contented singleness. I really haven’t had much success with this at all in my past, though I’m doing much better right now than I think I ever have.
Being content makes these stories a lot easier to laugh at, but they’re still RIDICULOUS.
I’ve spoken to one guy from Toronto who messaged me back in 2009, and we did not hit it off. He forgot he’d spoken to me, and when I reminded him and told him I was still not interested, he called me closed-minded and accused me of being unwilling to change. Awesome sauce, right there!
I’ve received a slew of emails from guys in their 50s in the States whom I would repeatedly tell I wasn’t interested because I don’t want to date guys older than my dad, and I don’t want to date across the border. They’re usually quite indignant about that … which might be a RED FLAG in and of itself.
I talked to a guy for six months … but nothing panned out. He seemed rather normal, though, which is not at all the norm here. No Red Flags here. I liked him, it just wasn’t meant to be, I guess.
But I continue, and soon you’ll see why sometimes I seriously believe that I’m just paying for book fodder.
Don’t worry, though, this seems pretty boring so far — I’m getting to the good stuff.
I had a conversation that goes exactly like this … I could not make this up.
lover (no joke — it’s the guy’s screen name, numbers omitted … RED FLAG): “you want 2 kids, but I want like 4 :O”
me: Really? That’s all you caught out of my profile?
lover: I love kids …
4 would be lots of chaos, problems, keep me on my toes …
me: Good luck with your chaos, problems, and posture.
lover: thanks! you are in education, I would guessed you are used to these things and can’t live without them.
me: I said good luck because I’m not interested in pursuing this. Good luck in your search.
lover: Hahaha When I pursue a Canadian born woman, I will make sure she will be very beautiful, righteous, intelligent, and has a great heart!
This guy just screams RED FLAG! Wanting chaos and problems? That’s not exactly my wish for my life.
Here’s another real winner …
After reading his profile that is ENTIRELY in caps lock and discovering that he lives in France, I sent the following reply.
me: Hi, Thanks for your interest, but I have no interest in dating outside of Canada at this time. I don’t see that kind of a distance to be feasible for me.
Also — just a thought … please hit the “caps lock” key on your keyboard to turn off the caps lock … it’s hard to read and it looks like you’re screaming.
Good luck in your search, I wish you all the best.
And I got back …
GREETING FROM MY HUMBLE HEART, THEY THAT DWELL IN THE SECREAT PLACE OF THE MOST HIGH SHALL ABIDE UNDER THE SHADOW OF THE ALMIGHTY;nice to hear from you and thanks for your reply,but please blessed one i really believe that theres no distance in love and if we all agree and undertand each other we can surely make our dating to work because with God all things are possible and also we can do all things through christ who strengthens us PHILIPIANS 4:13.THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM U SOON .HAVE A BLESSED DAY
… I don’t think I was very understanding … but oh, well!
Luka from Belgrade writes …
I like your pictures and profile. By the way, I know what you think, “this guy is old,” right? I’m 42, but I look at least 7-8 years younger. I’m sport type of man. It would be nice to chat.
Hope to hear from you.
Greetings from Belgrade!
Kenny (why is username is Luka but his name is not?)
Thanks for your email.
Actually, my first thought at 42 is not “wow, old,” though with my father being 49, it is a little hard to wrap my mind around.
I don’t have interest in pursuing this, though, because I want to stay in Canada and don’t see dating outside of Canada to be feasible for me.
Thanks for your interest, and I wish you all the best.
He comes back with:
I’m 42, but I look at least 10 years younger. I was always very active in sports, maybe that’s why.
Laura, your father in 49. That’s nice, we’ll might be friends with him if you become my wife … What do you think?
You look so sweet on your pictures … And dont worry, I’ll come for you in Canada … (… RED FLAG!!!)
Loooking forward to hear from you.
Blessings & Shalom!
… if you become my wife!? RED FLAG!!
All I said in reply was “I’m not interested. Good luck.”
But I’ve saved the best for last … a profile that I literally laughed until I hurt over.
In our profiles, we get a chance to describe ourselves, a little of our personality, etc. … you know, pretty standard stuff.
I don’t think that ever in my life I will find a profile that reeks of absurd like this one.
This guy is from Florida. He emailed me, asking me to read his profile and get back to him. I never responded …
I’m tempted to let you read the entire thing … but I don’t know if that’s fair. I think I’d be upset if I found my profile in its entirety in someone’s blog for anyone who wants to read it on the internet.
He says this to describe himself … well, this is how he starts, anyway. There were probably three pages worth of text there.
Love to laugh and love Music..
My music preferences changed the last few years but Im very into Ambient Electronic. Cant really explain why but after my mother and grandmother died Ive been on this sort of spiritual quest and have been harnessing this music in prayer like form to reach a new level of my own spirituality. If you think of tribes and clans from our past, music was the way of calling upon the Gods, God, Yahweh, etc.. for answers or requests . I guess Im walking back in their footsteps.. “Radio Ultimae” (French radio station is my favorite)
Are You Listening?
(No, man, I’m not, I stopped, you lost me at Ambient Electronic … I don’t know that that means … )
Here’s where things derail, though …
This is where he went off on a rant about Word Vampires — people who aren’t really listening when they talk to you; they’re just talking or waiting for their turn to talk … which is precisely what it sounded like his profile essay was doing.
He was raised Catholic but likes to combine it with Buddhism, along with all the other parts he likes of all other religions.
Ha ha, how did your previous relationships end, and what did you learn?
I’ll never date Geminis again …
And then something about Henry the Eighth being the beginning of organized religion.
I just … don’t even know.
After the most terrible date of all time a week and a half ago (RED FLAG!!!), I’ve sworn myself off dating for a while. At this point, I think what would be needed to shake me out of my “I’m good on my own if this is my option” attitude is a guy who is mature, who wants to pursue me, and who does not scream I’M CRAY CRAY in his writing. Further, I think I need to stick to my standards a little better and uphold some of my previously learned lessons. I have standards for a reason — they’re supposed to keep me out of this ridiculousness, though some of it can’t be totally avoided.
But I suppose if all of this is gonna make me a famous author some day, it’ll all be worth it?
Further, here are some lessons I’ve learned or re-learned since I started this two years ago.
1. We must meet quickly. I’m so tired of drawing this out over and over and over without meeting for weeks or months. You learn so much more about a person IN person.
2. We must speak on the phone before we meet. I will never put myself in a position again where I’m sitting incredibly awkwardly, trying to figure out how to get out of the worst date ever when I could have just had to end a phone call abruptly.
3. I can’t over-emphasize written communication skills. I’m a writer. I can’t deal with poor written communication skills. It may sound ridiculous, but it’s important to me.
4. I will not humour the cray crays.
That might have to be my new life motto ...
5. Most importantly — I think I need to trust my instincts. I’ve been attempting online dating for the past three-ish years, and I’ve ignored my instincts a lot. I’ve chided myself for being too picky, and thought, “but what if this is it, and I say no?” despite watching the red flags flip up … I make excuses for things I know I won’t be able to deal with long-term, and I need to stop.
Well!!! If you’ve been with me for the last two years, thanks so much!! If you’ve been with me only in the last week, or anywhere in between, thanks for being here!! This two years of blogging has been an adventure to say the very least, and I hope it continues, because I LOVE bearing my soul to y’all! (haha I had to say y’all… I’m watching the CMAs)
Check me out at http://thisblogisepic.wordpress.com
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