I’ve been thinking about having another baby for four years now. Because I was the ripe old age of 36 when my daughter Siena was born, we started talking about it right away. In fact, my husband and I were so certain we were meant to have at least one more baby that I took my IUD out when Siena was eight months old and we were all ready to go at it again.
Then my stay-home Daddy husband cut two fingers off his left hand with a table saw and all hell broke loose. So we tabled the idea for at least a year, because Matt had pins in his hand from 8 hours of surgery and couldn’t even a change a diaper. Then he had to get two more surgeries. Then we were switching health insurance plans, so I couldn’t get pregnant. It was literally one thing after another.
But I’ve finally come to a certain peace about the fact that I don’t think I will be having another child (sniff, dab). Now, I’m almost 41 and it just seems like the time has passed, and I’m okay with that. But there’s this little pang when I think about it. It’s almost enough to make me rethink my decision to put my IUD back in…but not quite. Then, I realized that I’ve been gestating and giving birth for over four years now- and I’m a little tired. In the past four years, I’ve been busy giving birth to ME.
How it all came to pass
It all started January 6, 2006, when Siena was born. By the spring of that year, the idea that I might leave my job as a full-time OB/GYN was planted, and by later that year, I had taken a Pleap (Pink leap of faith) by quitting my job. I spent most of 2007 gestating what a truly whole health medical practice could look like and dreaming about being of service in a whole new way. That same year, I wrote a memoir. In 2008, I joined an integrative health practice and nurtured the little seed in me until it blossomed. In 2008, I grew Owning Pink in my belly and gave birth to it in April 2009. In December 2009, I gave birth to two more books. Now, I’m doing it all again by starting the Owning Pink Wellness Center, which I just opened in Mill Valley. And then, I’ll write my next book.
What wants to come through?
Which leaves me with little time or energy for allowing a baby spirit to grow into a human being inside my womb. With this realization comes more than a wee bit of angst. Am I being selfish for denying my daughter the opportunity to have a sibling? Have I become a work-aholic with no balance in life? Am I expending my creative energy wisely or might I be better off slowing down and growing my family?
To be honest, I just don’t know. All I know is that the urge to create businesses and books seems to be stronger for me than the urge to procreate. And since I already feel torn between my commitment to serving my patients and Owning Pink and my commitment to motherhood, my inclination is to protect myself from feeling torn even further. Why create more conflict for myself?
Some might judge this as un-feminine. They might think I’m a bad mama or that my priorities are not straight. And they’re welcome to their opinion. But me? I’ve just gotta OWN it. It is what it is. That’s how I feel, that God is using me as a vessel to give birth to other creations, that every book, every blog post, every workshop, every patient encounter is a co-creation between the two of us, that I am becoming a mother over and over again, every time I tap into the divine spark and create something new.
And yet it doesn’t look how others expect it to look. I’m not feeding new blonde beings into the Mill Valley preschool system. I’m not buying new Pink clothes for a sister for Siena. I’m not sitting in the stirrups pushing a baby out into this world. But damn, it sure feels like I am. I feel like I mother at least a dozen new creations right now. Which leaves me feeling like I don’t need to get pregnant again to serve my life’s purpose.
Believe me- others feel differently. My mother would love to have another grandchild. Siena’s preschool teacher would love to meet a baby brother. Even some psychic a friend hired to read me said I had two more baby spirits waiting to get born. But I have to be okay with that. I have to live with the uncertainty, the possible regret, the fact that my family doesn’t look exactly the way I imagined it when I was a little girl dreaming of white picket fences.
It all comes down to creation
Creation can get confusing, can’t it Ladies? There are days when I can’t tell how my creative forces are best expended. Should I dance with the Divine and co-create a new message to share with the world? Should I co-create a new series of art? Should I co-create new writings? Should I co-create another baby? It gets muddy, I’ll admit. I get confused as hell. We all just do the best we can and pray that what we create is done from a place of the highest intentions and the noblest part of our souls. Then we surrender to living in the muck. (A special thank you to Baby Spirit Coach Elisabeth Manning for helping me sort all this out in my mind!)
What about you? Do you ever confuse your creative energy? Can you tell what you’re supposed to create next? Do you think giving birth to babies in any way resembles giving birth to businesses, art, writing, or other creative projects? Am I totally off my rocker here?
Let’s talk about this. I honestly think it’s such rich, juicy stuff. Giving birth is so inherently what we as females are all about that it nearly defines us. Yet, can’t we expand our concept of what it means to bring life into the world? How many creations have you squelched to give birth to babies? How many babies have you neglected to have because you were busy in business? Are you so busy serving your community, your family, or your job that you’ve forgotten to give birth to YOU?
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