5 years ago

This past weekend my mom, sisters, and I took our dogs and Precious to a free group training session with a miracle dog trainer. He’s definitely a tough love, your-dogs-look-mother-f@&$(*$-stupid-in-diapers type of trainer.

He bent down to pet Precious and she instantly rolled over on her back. His reaction to that was, “No. No, no, no. This is not good. She has no confidence. She needs to be able to sit and take a petting. How are you supposed to be able to pet her if she can’t stop rolling on her back? You need to fix this.” Fix this? “Fix” as in there is something “wrong” with your dog rolling on its back when you pet it? I suppose you’d also like me to go right ahead and slap all that cuteness off her face and flush it down the toilet while I’m at it. (Seriously though, I should listen. He definitely knows what he’s talking about…but how can I listen when I’m instructed to ignore a face like this?!)

The hike begins (the training session was at a beach trail) and I’m immediately and frantically wondering WHY I decided to come. Loose pit bulls. EV-ER-Y-WHERE. Everywhere.

I know dogs can read your energy, so I was desperately trying to appear like I didn’t care, but on the inside I was crying, sweating, shaking, convulsing, and going into a panic attack……ok, so maybe on the outside, too. We were instructed to keep our dogs focused, looking forward, and to just keep moving if a loose dog approaches us. Of course millions of pitbulls approached me and I thought I might pass out, but I kept repeating out loud, “Just keep moving, just keep moving, just. keep. moving.”

There were four pit bulls with our group, all of which had major aggressive tendencies that needed to be worked on. No surprise there. The biggest one was so aggressive that the trainer decided it would be best if he walked the dog and let the owners observe. He looked just like this…

…and I was expected to walk him. Apparently I was walking Precious the wrong way, so the trainer asked to walk her. Sure, here’s the leash. And then he said, “We’ll switch.” And I said, “You want me to walk that dog?” Yes, yes he did, and I didn’t even try to be nice with my response. I just told him, “No, I’m not walking that dog. That dog?? No, I can’t. I won’t. No. No, no, no, and no.”

Right. I’m walking the innocent, overly submissive puppy the wrong way, so you hand me the leash to the aggressive pitbull.

The walk continues and I hear loud, aggressive barking. Oh, look at that, a German shepherd coming to attack us all. 


Here comes this stupid German shepherd charging at us, growling and barking, and all I hear is the trainer YELLING, “MOVE! MOVE! EVERYBODY KEEP MOVING! KEEP MOVING! DO NOT STOP! FORWARD!”

It was literally like a sergeant general yelling life-saving orders at his army. I frantically kept walking and my mom screamed at my sister, “PICK THE DOG UP!” and so she did, right after we were lectured on what to do and what not to do if another dog attacks. Rule #1 for what not to do: Do not pick up your dog. So of course the next words yelled out of the trainer’s mouth were, “PUT THE DOG DOWN!”

I think the best part of the attack was the trainer yelling at the German shepherd’s owner, “CONTROL YOUR DOG! IT’S ILLEGAL TO HAVE YOUR DOG OFF A LEASH! DON’T TELL ME ‘IT’S OK’! IT’S NOT OK! YOU NEED TO CONTROL YOUR DOG!” And then after we made it out alive and the dog had passed he told us, “Well, at least you got to see a great example of a $hitty dog owner.” Yes, we definitely did.

I have to say, by the end of the session I kind of appreciated the pitbulls in our group. After that German shepherd attacked, I was happy to have vicious pitbulls in our group. We were a pack and they could have protected us.

Who am I kidding, pit bulls don’t care about anybody. They’ll eat anything that breathes, including their own pack. And that’s a fact.


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