ATTENTION PARENTS & STAFF AT MY KIDS' SCHOOL:
First of all, I'd like to take this moment to inform any of you that were present this morning at the Academy that it was NOT a zombie dropping off my children. Sadly, it was me. Secondly, I'd like to apologize to the people that I frightened. My lack of makeup, disheveled hair, pajama pants, and a ratty old, coffee stained t-shirt that once belonged to my husband and is quite oversized, the Sarah Palin glasses that I once thought made me look smarter than I actually am, but now I think just makes me look like a reject...(or maybe that's just Sarah Palin)...it may all seem quite inconsiderate of me to show my face in public in such a manner.
However, I have four children and I haven't slept in a questionable amount of years. There are days when I can't remember if I've brushed my teeth, much less brushed my hair. I've done the math, and it turns out I've changed well over 17,250 diapers in the past 16 years, wiped a snotty nose over 2,346 times and cleaned up vomit well over the number of times I'd like to even recall. This vomit does not include the burp ups, or the baby food rejects that I’ve somehow managed to be projectiled into my own hair. That's an entirely different kind of clean up that even Pantene can’t fix. There are days when an entire pot of coffee is just not enough. With that being said, I can assure you that I do take better care of my children than I do of myself. Please do not call DFACS on me.
To all my readers that do not yet have children, please do not let this frighten you into sterilization. I would not relinquish one snotty nose, poopy diaper, sleepless night, or vomit-conditioned hair treatment for anything in the world. One day, I will be able to sleep again. My husband tells me daily that I’m beautiful, loved, and amazing—even on those days when my perfume of choice is the scent of Playdough, mixed with a side of sour milk and just a hint of ketchup odor. His rose colored glasses have been the strength, in some aspects, that holds our marriage together. So finally, I apologize once again to all the people that beheld my appearance this morning as I dropped my kids off for school. If you’d like to purchase your own rose colored glasses in order to eliminate the horrifying jolt of future early morning school
drop-offs, please send your check for $19.99 to my home address, with a memo: college fund for kids. Much appreciated!